Overheard two tourists in the downtown parking lot.
-- You ate all the Doritos.
-- Yeah, so?
-- So I wanted some.
-- Well you should have said something.
-- Yeah, like hey asshole, don't eat all the Doritos.
-- You can lick my fingers if you want.
-- Ok, give 'em here.
-- What? I was only kidding.
-- Give me your fingers.
-- You are not going to lick my fingers.
-- Oh yes I am.
-- Get away from me!
-- Give me your hand!
-- Wait! What if I just buy you another bag.
-- Sure, but first I suck your fingers.
-- God, this is gross.
(suckage begins)
-- Shit, this is way more erotic that I want it to be.
June 2, 2017
When Trump gets thrown out of office and his brand becomes toxic, will he finally realize in a Rosebud sort of way that he was nothing more than a font of petrified ideas, a loudmouthed lying narcissist, and the very definition of the ugly American?
June 3, 2017
Why don't you give yourself a break? If you are constantly bad mouthing yourself (I'm too fat - I'm stupid - I wish I hadn't done that - Why am I such an idiot - Everyone's better than me, etc.), you might try a mini-holiday from doing that, just to see what it feels like. Here's how: Pick 3 consecutive days that you will not make disparaging comments about yourself to yourself. The 1st day you will constantly catch yourself doing it because you are primed to spot that behaviour. Now, in the next couple of days, if you catch yourself bad mouthing yourself, recognize that, stop it, and instead tell yourself something positive (I am a good person - I love my family and our pets - There is no need for me to belittle myself, etc.). It's no good to just try and stop nasty behaviours, you must implant in their stead a good, positive, healthy thought about yourself that will grow and flourish just like the old terrible things you used to say about yourself grew and flourished. Listen, you can change your behaviour - on purpose. You can do this.
June 4, 2017
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
My wife left me for another woman. All my male friends say that is hot as hell. My female friends say, well, I don't have any female friends. They were all my wife's friends. She had lots of female friends. More than usual...and the parties and sleep overs... Oh my god, I must have been blind! I...I married a gold digging lesbian! This ever happen to you?
My god, Trump has aged badly. Just a few months in and he's already the embodiment of his fossilized ideas.
Here he is lavishing praise on a ham and cheese sandwich.
June 7, 2017
M O V I E R E V I E W M O V I E R E V I E W M O V I E R E V I E W
I didn't actually see it, but I can tell it's a most distinguished stinker from the trailer. Just look at the actors in it - no names, old names and I-thought-they-were-dead names. The director was either 14 and doing his very first movie or was 119 and doing his last because it was handled with hands of concrete, stripped of any interesting premise, promising plot, competent acting or entertainment value. There are eight credited screenwriters which can only mean, well, let's put it this way, you're served a horrid mess of a dinner and told by the waiter that it passed through the hands of eight chefs, each doing to your food what they wanted. Bon appetite! This alleged movie looks ridiculously long, mind numbingly insipid and devoid of any possibility that you will be happy you dropped money on this dreck. I'm not even going to mention this tripe by name so you aren't tempted to see if it's really as bad as I surmise. No need to thank me. Public service is its own reward.
June 8, 2017
Is there such a thing as two worsts? I realize that being the worst implies there is nothing lower and the bottom of the barrel has been reached, but can two different idiots both be the worst? For example, President-wise, are not Bush and Trump the worst? I mean, one is a stupid dingleberry and the other is a petulant 5th grader, dubious enough qualities for any human being, but as Presidents, Jesus, what a debacle.
June 9, 2017
If Bob Dylan's music is literature, as per the Nobel Committee, then what about the lyrics of others?
"He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl"
- Paul Simon
What about that?
June 10, 2017
She told her parents that she wanted to be a stand up comedian. Her father scoffed and said she was wasting her life, then opened his seventh beer of the night. Her mother cried real tears and begged her to marry the boy next door so she could settle down and be a normal girl. Her brother simply said, You're not funny. But she did it anyway. Good on her.
It was the first voyage of what he hoped would be an illustrious career, but Captain Stevie made a bodacious boo boo. He quickly assessed the trouble, weighed his options, ascertained solutions and enacted a plan of action. Staring down his predicament, Captain Stevie was heard to say, "Pass me that crack pipe, matey. It's all over but the strippin' of me dignity."
June 12, 2017
The girl had green eyes and vivid red hair. Her brother was dark skinned with straight, jet black hair. The other brother looked like a tall, thin, Scandinavian. The mother looked like some southern belle with her blond ringlets and pasty coloration, while the father was a squat, powerful looking Arabian man. In America, a liberal would call them a beautiful blended family; a conservative would say they were ripe for a visit from ICE.
June 14, 2017
I get asked lots of questions that are specific to me, and while I usually demur, they are starting to build up. So I'm going to answer some of the more frequently asked ones.
Q: Keith, when did you get your first computer and what was it?
A: 1984. It was a Kaypro II. 5 ¼ inch floppy discs. 9 inch green phosphorous text-only screen guaranteed to burn out your retinas. 64K of memory. CP/M and SBASIC operating system. The absolute hands down number one best keyboard I have ever used ever. The keyboard attached to the case.The case was all metal and portable at 26 pounds. It was rugged as hell and fit underneath an airplane seat. I still have that computer. You know, first love and all.
Q: Please list all the professional sports teams you have followed from childhood on.
A: Cincinnati Royals (NBA basketball team)
Cincinnati Reds
Cleveland Browns
Gary Nixon and Kenny Roberts (Professional AMA motorcycle racers)
Dayton Gems (IHL hockey team)
Cincinnati Bengals
Green Bay Packers
Vancouver Canucks
Toronto Blue Jays
New Zealand All Blacks
Geelong (Australian Rules Football club)
Q: I know you've been asked this question many times before, but red or blue?
A: It pleases me no end that so many trust my color sense! Blue.
Q: I understand you live in the middle of nowhere in the wilds of British Columbia where it gets ridiculously cold and there are bears in your yard. Why are you so uncivilized?
A: I live here because it soothes my soul.
Q: Who is your favorite author?
A: Nabokov.
Q: Is there such a thing as God?
A: You mean a single universal being who tops everyone else? Nah.
Q: Are happiness and contentment the same thing?
A: They certainly can be. They can also be mutually exclusive.
Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: What about thongs?
Q: You said you have a Master's degree. Tell me something intelligent.
A: There is no such thing as time. It is a mental construct that exists so everything doesn't happen all at once.
Q: What are you going to do when you're 95?
A: I'm going to reread everything I ever wrote. All the screenplays, teleplays, books, articles, KeithSpeaks, etc. I am going to relive my life through who I was at the time I wrote those things. Then I will pat myself on the back for having done what I did.
Q: The picture of your 3 dogs that you use for KeithSpeak, what are their names and breed?
A: Tuck, Sophie and Maddie are Alaskan malamutes.
Q: Why did you leave the US for Canada?
A: My wife and I left while the addled Ronny Reagan was talking about bombs from space and his anorexic wife was shrieking about drugs. Considering the ignoramuses to follow, Bush and Trump, we're confident we made the right move.
Q: Why don't you talk more about the art of writing?
A: What's there to say? Put your thoughts down on paper. What else is there? My ideas about how I do it may not be at all applicable to how you do it. The point here is to just do it.
Q: Are you religious?
A: I am spiritual. Humongous difference.
Q: What are the winning numbers for tonight's lottery?
A: If I told you we'd have to split it. If I don't say anything, I can be wealthy all by myself. So mum's the word.
Q: Can I be the last question asked?
A: Yes, yes you can.
June 15, 2017
Page 2.
Q: How long have you been married?
A: 31 years, split between six wives. Haw, I like to joke. Nah, been with the same great gal for all 31.
Q: How rich are you?
A: See, I'm sure you're talking about money, but I'm thinking about everything in my life that makes it rich on a personal level, like how I'm with the love of my life, how contented I am, how I'm living where I want to be living, how I've been able to find what I do best and practice what I'm passionate about. I think of my talents, my accomplishments, my experiences, my development. Being rich can mean many things. So am I rich? You bet I am.
Q: Where did you go to college and what did you study?
A: I have a Bachelor's degree in biology from Ohio State University. I have a Master's degree in biology from Wright State University. Have I ever worked as a biologist? No, no I have not.
Q: You've kept the same picture on your home page forever. Why not update it?
A: That is the author photo from my novel Write About Dogs. That book is one of the reasons I started this site. I dunno, sentimental?
Q: Where do I go when I die, and should I be afraid?
A: You go to the same place you go every night when you fall asleep and dream. There's no need to fret. You've been there nightly since you were born. It'll be like old home week.
Q: What music do you like?
A: I'm fond of the stuff I grew up with.
Q: What were your first and last jobs (besides writing)?
A: When I was 16 I worked in a machine shop. My last job was driving over the road (long haul) tractor trailers. I'm a manly man. My jobs (besides writing) have always reflected that.
Q: When marijuana becomes legal in Canada next year, are you going to smoke it?
A: Of course. Are you?
Q: What are your favorite foods to eat?
A: My answer to that is the same as the music question above. I'm fond of the stuff I grew up with.
Q: Is Canada really as great as you make it out to be?
A: It is. It's even better than my raves. It's a wonderful place to be. Come visit, take a vacation, see what I'm going on about.
Q: Did you want to be a professional athlete when you were growing up?
A: Nope. I have always liked my athletic abilities, but I fully understood the limits of my talents and that sports for me were going to be recreational only.
Q: Do you consider yourself a born leader of men?
A: Of course. Watch - Come on, who's with me! See, that is leadership stuff right there. Ok, time for one last question.
Q: Yesterday you said I could be the last question and then today you start with the questions again! So I'm no longer last! You tricked me! I hate you!
A: Now we can't have that. There, happy?
June 16, 2017
Saw this super handsome man downtown. He was tall and fit and beautiful and stunning. Everyone he passed stared at him. He was dazzling but incomplete, lovely but clueless, mostly because he was wearing a fanny pack. It was positioned directly in front so that the first thing you saw was his perfect face, then your eyes traveled down to the fanny pack and then perplexedly back up to his face again. Did he not know he was ruining his awesome look with that silly 80s artifact slung around his waist? It was exactly like watching your favorite athlete on TV when the camera zooms in on him and he is sitting there picking his nose.
June 17, 2017
Do you realize that if there were no humans on Earth, this would literally be the animal planet? There would be no dude bros or hipsters or baby boomers, no world wars, no nuclear bombs, guns or genocide. There would be no empires, no airplanes, no farms or factories, no air or water pollution. There would be no cars, roads, buildings, cities or countries. No books, no Bible, no pyramids, no dams. And there would certainly be no celebrities, no money, and no media to fawn over both. The only laws would be natural ones. Jeez, wouldn't that be something.
June 19, 2017
To those of you unhappy with your circumstance, displeased with your environment, or just full of generalized angst, allow me to help. Ahem, you are in complete control of everything that happens in your life. Stop blaming god or the devil or your spouse or whomever you feel is doing whatever to you. Everything that you are a part of is all happening with your psychic intent, worked out in your dream state and processed through the actual living of the events. You control and create it. You want a different experience, environment or circumstance? Create it. Do it. Make it happen. Otherwise, you'll continue to see yourself as a victim, someone at the mercy of the world, other people, coincidence - when none of that is actually true.
Marco loved birds. He was also OCD. He didn't know the meaning of moderation, as you can see in his bird house extravaganza. Notice how all the homes are empty? That's because Marco wanted too much for rent. 3 worms a day! From each house! Again, no concept of moderation. Most of the would be tenants moved into free housing in the trees and shrubs in the neighborhood surrounding Marco's magnificent obsession. But Marco's compulsions never stop. He's mulling lowering it to the ground, offering it to field mice and charging twice the rent.
June 21, 2017
I ruined the cooktop in our kitchen. I let a pot of boiling water overflow down into the electrics. Snap, crackle, pop, fried. Bought a new cooktop yesterday. Only it's too big for the existing hole cut out in the kitchen counter. I now have to find a way to remove two more inches of finished counter top without ruining, chipping, fracturing or splitting the tile. Ugh. Say, how is your day going?
June 22, 2017
Overheard a tourist couple at the dog park.
-- He`s so happy here.
-- I know. Watching him enjoying himself this much makes me feel guilty for putting him back in our city apartment while we both go to work for 12 hours a day and he sits home alone.
-- We could have a child for him to play with.
-- Can you imagine telling your mother you`re having a kid so your dog will be less lonely.
-- She knows how much we love Willie.
-- Look where we are. We`re at a freakin' dog park on the most beautiful, gorgeous, crystal blue lake with awesome panoramic views of mountains and forests - and it`s all for our dog!
-- If this were the States there would be resorts, casinos and condos lining this lake. And the dog park would be out near the city dump somewhere.
-- If this were the States there would be jet boats screaming up and down the water ruining the experience for everyone.
-- You got that right.
(long pause)
-- We could move here...
-- What do you mean?
-- What's stopping us from moving here and making Willie happy?
-- You mean immigrate to Canada?
-- Why not?
-- Just for Willie?
-- Us too. Wouldn't it be amazing to get out of the rat race and that obnoxious city and escape to clean air, crystal lakes and a 30% exchange rate on our dollar?
-- What about our jobs?
-- I hate my job.
-- I do too. But could we really do this?
-- Look at Willie. Have you ever seen him so happy? Wouldn't you like to see him like this every day?
-- I would love that.
-- Then let's do it!
-- Oh my god, we're going to move to Canada!
-- Why not?
-- Indeed!
June 24, 2017
Drive over to visit a buddy on the other side of town. As I get near his place, I see signs for a topless charity car wash. Turns out it's at his neighbour's house. My friend is sitting on his porch, drinking a beer and watching the ladies wash cars. When he sees me, he pulls up a chair, pats the seat with his hand and says, "It's ok, it's for a good cause." I ask him what the cause is. He shrugs. He doesn't know. He says, "I'm sure it's a good one. Why, just look at them!"
June 26, 2017
I'm in the car waiting for a friend who wanted to stop by his aunt's house to pick something up. 10 minutes later I'm still waiting when movement in an open window catches my eye. There I see my friend furiously making out with his aunt. Really? Does this stuff only happen to me?
June 27, 2017
How some marriages work:
Example 1: Lenore and Lenny had been married for 43 years when Lenny decided he had had enough and asked Lenore for a divorce. Lenore said no and smothered Lenny with a pillow later that night, convinced that a widow was undeniably more socially acceptable than a divorcee.
Example 2: Ginny and Tom had been married for 7 years and had 7 children. When Tom started talking about number 8, Ginny freaked, said she couldn't do it anymore and asked for a divorce. Tom said no, they argued, shots were fired.
Example 3: Aristocrats Alistair and Gwendolyn had been gay all their lives and at the age of 60, decided to marry each other before high society doomed them to the history pages as a couple of unacceptables. The wedding was lavish, the honeymoon night comical and the ever after splendid. Unfortunately, after their deaths people talked incessantly about their queerness anyway.
Example 4: They were young and in love. They got married. They struggled. They had their rough patches. But they had each other. Eventually things got better. Life was lived. Stuff happened. What else is there?
"Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is the bicycle repair kit."
Billy Connolly
June 29, 2017
Waiting in line to pay our property tax, the guy in front of me was complaining about how high his were and how the city is ripping him off and how government officials ought to be in jail because of graft, bribery, corruption, incompetence, idiocy and carelessness. When it was his time to pay the cashier, he was so worked up that he waved his check in front of her face and said, "I'm not giving you people one red cent! You're all crooks! You're all scum! And I'm no longer going to play your game!" And with that he walked out of the building. The cashier rolled her eyes like she'd heard it a million times before and wearily said, "Next."
June 30, 2017
We have arrived at the end of June. Is it bittersweet? Are you reluctant to leave? Has this been the best June ever? No? Well July awaits. It can save you. Can too.
