-- Oh it's swell. Matter of fact, this is the exact pose I use for my profile pic.
-- You do cut a bonny figure.
-- The pipe, the hat, they love it.
-- So have you had lots of dates?
-- Oh my, yes.
-- Well, have you found the future missus yet?
-- Whatever do you mean?
-- Have you come across Ms. Right by swiping right?
-- Heavens no. Ms. Right? Oh wait, my bad. I get Grindr and Tinder mixed up.
-- Oh.
-- Yes. Like I said, the pipe, the hat, they love it.
March 2, 2017
Question: When will Internet trolldom cease? Answer: When anonymity is gone. People are at their worst when they think no one knows who they are. But when you are held accountable for your words and actions (and can therefore be trolled yourself), it will end. If it doesn't, find out where they live, go over to their house and beat them silly. It's really one of the few times violence is justified.
March 3, 2017
I'm getting no work done. My desktop pic rotates every 10 seconds through all the pictures stored on my computer. So every 10 seconds these amazing family shots and property shots and dog shots keep popping up and I keep minimizing my work to look at them. Aw, did you see that one? Aw.
March 4, 2017
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
My mother-in-law is a heinous beast. She has been trying to break up our marriage since the day I "accidentally" pushed her down the stairs. It wasn't on purpose, well, kinda, but she was moving so slowly, placing that damn walker on each and every step like her life depended on it. I wanted to get down the stairs! Is that a crime? Anyway, I just thought I would let you know that not everyone's life is perfect. The struggle is real.
March 5, 2017
Dancing around in his boxers is Jace. Sitting naked on the edge of the bed playing a mean mandolin is his wife Ella. Outside, looking through their bedroom window is Allan, the 14 year old boy from across the street. Jace dances toward the wardrobe mirror and sees in its reflection young Allan peeping through the window. What exactly does he do?
March 6, 2017
Imagine how hard it would be on the bigoted, prejudiced and xenophobic if humans changed colours with the seasons, like the snowshoe hare, ptarmigan, or tree frog. Then the intolerant wouldn't know who to hate. 'Course, law enforcement would have their hands full...
March 7, 2017
Ugh, met this guy who humble bragged. I was in a feisty mood, so I called him on it. He was taken aback, denied it at first, then said that I had caught him out. He admitted he was looking for a compliment. It should have ended there. We should have moved on to something else, but he continued talking. He said, Now that it's out in the open, come on, show me some love. My god, humble bragging to begging, was this not beyond the pale?
March 8, 2017
Overheard two women in the drug store.
-- This is a drug store, right?
-- No, it's a bowling alley. Duh.
-- Well, I think they should sell all the drugs - mushrooms, pot, coke. Isn't it ridiculous to have a drug store that only sells some drugs?
-- They sell legal drugs. You're talking about illegal drugs.
-- Why are any drugs illegal?
(pause)
-- You got me there.
March 9, 2017
Hey, don't just sit there, do something. Anything. Get up, get moving. You hear people say that stuff all the time. As if activity is soooooo important. Well, what's wrong with sitting and doing nothing? I mean, really.
March 10, 2017
He was 37, had no job and spent at least 12 hours a day playing Call Of Duty. His wife was ready to leave him, his dog wanted nothing more to do with him and his six year old daughter no longer called him daddy. Could you imagine explaining this scenario to a WW2 soldier who was playing call of duty for real and wanted nothing more than to be home with his wife, children and dog?
March 13, 2017
I was asked what was the worst job I ever had. I think it's a tie between working in a lead plant in Indianapolis - yeah, let that sink in. And the time I scrubbed out oil from the inside of tankers in Valdez, Alaska. 'Twas absolutely no picnic that. But conversely, you know how many good jobs I've had? Tons. Have too.
March 16, 2017
A Russian mystic put out a video where he purported to appear and disappear at will. He gained a cult following, got rich from donations and patronage, and when the time was right (i.e., when his newly acquired wealth was sufficient enough), he disappeared for good (most likely to the tropics). YouTube, where video magic and the gullible come to meet.
March 17, 2017
Overheard a father and daughter at the wharf.
-- Daddy, how come the water is so clear here and our lake is so gross?
-- We live in America, honey. Pollution is a by-product of the American way of life. Clean water is not our priority, making money is.
-- But I would rather have clean water.
-- That's because you're only 12. When you get to be an adult, you'll find that money is the most important thing.
-- Na-uh. When I get to be an adult, I'm moving to Canada where they have clean water.
March 18, 2017
I had the driveway gate closed and locked last night. When I opened it this morning, I saw car tracks and footprints leading right up to the gate. I took a good look at the lock and saw that someone had tried to hacksaw it open. 'Course, had they managed to break in, they had no idea about the trip wire, the machine guns, the deafening alarm, disorienting strobe lights or the attack boars hidden in the bushes. Maybe tonight?
a.) It was a rental car and he could drive it as recklessly as he wants.
b) His Mom just called to tell him uncle Gary, the one that tried to fondle Danny when he was in Cub Scouts, has died.
c.) His girlfriend Julie's head was in his lap.
d.) He was a lunatic and someone ahead in the crosswalk was within striking distance of his powerful rental automobile.
e.) He just got out of a speeding ticket by making Julie play dead and saying he was rushing her to the hospital, so the cop is now giving Danny a police escort even though everything is all right and he's amazed it's worked out this way.
f.) He realizes they are almost at the hospital and how are they going to fake their way out of this.
g.) He thinks it's ironic that neither he nor Julie have health insurance and that to try and get out of a $35 traffic ticket he is going to end up spending thousands while the hospital runs expensive tests on Julie because she arrived with a police escort so they will take it super seriously.
h.) On the way home from the hospital Julie tells him they found out she is pregnant and Danny is so freaked out that he just freezes with his mouth open and his eyes fixed.
March 21, 2017
Every time a domain name I have comes up for renewal, I get a plethora of spam from fake registrars telling me I need to renew with them NOW! They all have very high and important sounding names like The First Imperial Official Grand World Registrar For Domains. Gak. I mean if some fraudster called his outfit Larry's Bottom Dollar Domains, I might be more inclined to fall for it. Oh, the mirth. Anyway, I was talking with a systems administrator friend about this and he said it's no joke, that they are constantly preventing employees from doing stupid stuff on their network. With a straight face he intoned, "People are idiots."
March 22, 2017
In his will he left his entire estate to the local SPCA shelter. Bravo.
March 24, 2017
Can charisma be acquired? I looked around to see if he was talking to someone else. He repeated his question. Can charisma be acquired? We were standing side by side in the plumbing section of a Canadian Tire store. I was there for shut off valves. I didn't know the guy, but he asked again. I guess if I really thought about it I'd say no, charisma is innate. I'm sure even those who have it don't know how they acquired it. But who sidles up to someone and asks a question like that? Does this stuff only happen to me?
March 25, 2017
Their divorce was shocking. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple with the perfect marriage. Silly people, nothing's perfect forever.
March 26, 2017
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I have been astral projecting nightly and wanted to know if you and I could meet on an ethereal plane and discuss deep ideas in a way we never could while awake in this reality. If you're on board with this, how about we meet up at say, Monday, midnight. I'll be astral projecting in my transparent gossamer envelope. You can't miss me - I'm a very big boy. See you Monday in dreamland!
Signed,
Yehudi the traveller
You can't tell me this won't be fun.
March 27, 2017
He thought she was still hot. She didn't. After four kids and a bit of extra weight, she didn't think that anybody would find her attractive. To prove his point, without telling her, he booked a ten day vacation at a nude resort in Mexico. They arrived and she was flustered and floored to see everyone walking around naked. She wanted to leave immediately. But the vacation was prepaid so they stayed. Two days in she ventured out without clothes. Four days in she was propositioned by a handsome young man from Brazil. Seven days in, she was so comfortable with being naked and ogled that she contemplated moving to Mexico. Soon they were back home where her newfound confidence was obvious to all. He told her he thought she was still hot. Only now she didn't disagree.
March 29, 2017
Jeez, the kid down the street is having a rave in his backyard and the music is loud, relentless, crappy, techno electronica. It's been four hours nonstop. It feels like a mugging.
March 30, 2017
I outlasted one of the other neighbours. Five hours in they couldn't stand the techno music anymore and called the cops. The RCMP made the kid turn it down and were about to leave when they discovered the ecstasy. Suddenly, the party was over. There was a mass exodus of people on ecstasy getting into their automobiles and attempting to pilot their cars home. Yeesh, unintended consequences, eh.
March 31, 2017
It's anniversary week. 30 years ago yesterday, my wife and I immigrated to Canada. 18 years ago tomorrow, I started KeithSpeak. 31 years ago day after tomorrow, I married my lovely wife, Susan. Champagne anyone?
