-- Henry, she won't stop bugging me. I don't imagine she is going to shut up about this until we give in.
-- Well how old are kids supposed to be when you give them a cell phone?
-- Beats me. She's only 7.
-- Can she even read yet?
-- Of course she can read.
-- This is going to end badly. She's going to join social media and become an insufferable influencer. Her personality is too big. I can see it now.
-- Then let's just tell her no.
-- Will she hate us?
-- Probably. But I think she's too young for a cell phone, Henry.
-- Then we'll tell her she can't have one yet.
-- You know she'll ask when.
-- Let's tell her she can have a phone when she's...13.
-- Are you kidding me?! Put her off for 6 more years?! I'll be insane by then.
-- Wait, I got it! What if we get a landline and put an extension in her room. Then all she can do is talk and not become a gross little influencer and sell useless shit online.
-- Do they still have landlines?
-- I don't know.
-- God, we don't know anything.
-- I know!
March 3, 2025
I bought a rather pricey thing 8 months ago. It's now in the repair shop for the third time. They have had it since December, 3 months. Will I ever get it back? Will they ever fix it? I should be more on top of these things. No, really, I should.
March 4, 2025
Overheard a family at the waterfront.
-- There is a pecking order here and I'm at the top.
-- Daddy, what's a packing morder.
-- That's pecking order, idiot.
-- Daddy, what are you at the top of?
-- He just told you! The pecking order! God, Millie's an idiot!
-- Jackson, stop calling your sister an idiot.
-- As I was saying-
-- Honey, why don't you save your hierarch speech for another time.
-- What's a higher arc?
-- It's just Daddy exercising his ego because Mommy put him in his place about something else so he has to rule over you kids to make him feel like he's some kind of Alpha male, which he isn't.
-- That is so not what happened. Listen kids, I was just saying that-
-- Who wants ice cream!
-- I do!
-- Me too!
-- Millie and Jackson, come with me. Be careful not to trip over Daddy as he falls from number 1 to number 4.
March 5, 2025
I have to go out of town for a couple of days. The problem? I'm too popular. I know! Perhaps I should tell everyone to stand back. Stand back! There, that should do it.
March 6, 2025
Overheard out of town.
-- We cancelled our Vegas vacation.
-- Because of Trump?
-- Yup. From now on we will not visit the States, only buy Canadian whenever possible and ignore the US and their fat ass lying pussy President.
-- Yeah, fuck them.
-- What you have is a tantrum throwing idiot child surrounded by handpicked useless twats. It's fostered mob stupidity. So they will be yelling, We won! We won!, as they goosestep behind their straw headed Hitler right down the fuckin' drain.
-- When you elect a convicted felon, you get what you deserve.
-- It's called fascism, America. Wake up.
March 7, 2025
Was fiddling with an old receiver last night and picked up an open radio transmission from an alien space craft circling Earth.
-- You guys see what that clown has done now?
-- That orange fucker?
-- Maybe there is a planet wide virus that just makes people into buffoons.
-- Don't be silly. He's born that way.
-- There is so much hate and animosity down there. Why?
-- Perhaps that's due to their concocted religions. There's like 2,000 different ones and they all believe in different deities. They don't have a clue what happens after they die, or why they're here, so they made up all kinds of bullshit about it. It infects everything they do.
-- You're going to hell!
-- Burn with the devil!
-- God loves you!
(they all laugh)
-- Well, maybe now would be a good time to intervene. Tell them they are not alone. God doesn't exist. Their science is fundamentally wrong about so many things and then when they don't know what hit them, we let loose the Scumbag Obliterator who cleans up the worst of the worst and brings joy to the sensible, caring people who will look after the planet and themselves the way it should be done.
-- Absolutely. They need to learn respect. What's his name, Scott?
-- Who?
-- The Obliterator.
-- Yeah, Scott.
-- Give him a call.
-- What gets me is they act like there's someplace else to go.
-- Mars!
(they all laugh)
-- Everybody left Mars to go to Earth after the space ray catastrophe that created Valles Marineris. It's a cold, dead planet and a zealous, drug addled Earthling won't change anything about that; following him to Mars would be just more stupid on top of everything else.
-- They're such idiots - they already live in PARADISE.
-- Amazing, eh?
-- No, just stupid.
March 8, 2025
Overheard two drunks at the pub.
-- If I had to live anywhere else, it would have to be near a brewery.
-- You moving?
-- No.
-- What brewery would you live next to?
-- One that makes beer and gives free tours that end up with free beer drinking. If I was close by, I could drink for free every day. Just take the tour.
-- That's a helluva good idea.
-- That's what I would do if I was moving.
-- Are you?
-- What?
-- Moving.
-- No.
-- I could go for free beer. You never told me about your brewery plans before.
-- Hey, we could move together.
-- Really?
-- You in?
-- Well sure. Who doesn't like free beer.
-- Good.
-- That's if we were moving. But you said you weren't.
-- That was before you wanted in.
-- That's true. Wait, what about my wife? Does Charlotte get to come too?
-- Does she want free beer?
-- Probably not.
-- Then no.
-- Ok.
March 9, 2025
Heard a nut job southern politician lay out his plan to make Trump president for life. I couldn't think of anywhere else where they deserved that more. But the hoary old codger won't last. He looks half dead already. A gallon of orange spray paint and enough makeup to smother Norma Desmond can't hide the bloated, balding, leather faced loser underneath. Throw in his Nazi loving sidekick and a freakin' hillbilly and you have...gosh America, what the fuck do you have?
March 10, 2025
Fantastic, little known, but true story:
Her name was Lucy and she was obsessed with time travel. She took a trip to NASA to find out how to do it, but they didn't know. So she went to some physicists and they told her it was theoretically possible but- she cut them off - that was all she needed to hear. Lucy spent the next couple of weekends building a time machine and then, with her unemployed influencer cousin Cleo, set off for the pyramids to find out how they were built. It was their intention to return with a bunch of videos for their YouTube channel, but they never returned. Some say that Cleo became Cleopatra and didn't want to time travel any more now that she was a pharaoh, but others claim there was a problem with the hastily built machine and it could only go back in time and therefore Lucy's new obsession must have been becoming the first human discovered by Leakey in Africa. Because in 1974, sure enough, Lucy was found. Fantastic, no?
March 11, 2025
As a mother she considered herself so-so. In the beginning she tried to be a great mother but soon settled for decent. However, even that was taking its toll. She was worn out, cross and unable to complete anything because the kids were so demanding. In the midst of the chaos, she somehow discovered meditation. She would lock herself in the bathroom, put on a pair of noise canceling headphones, sit on the toilet and meditate away. She had become so practiced at slipping from this reality that she all she needed was 15 minutes to clear her being and emerge from the loo better able to cope with whatever horrors her heathen kids might throw at her. Meditation, it's not just for gurus anymore.
