This has been driving me crazy. I saw an old picture of someone whose name I can't remember, but I do remember a particular evening spent in his company. What's a name, 3-5-8 letters long? Why is one word so hard to remember, yet a debauched evening with the same nameless person is vivid and stark? Ronnie! It was Ronnie. Ah, now I can go on with my day. Good ol'... wait, was it Ronnie or Randy? Damn.
November 3, 2017
Man, we got a ton of snow last night. I'm off to plow and shovel and make our place presentable (and passable). No time to waste. Later, my pretties.
November 4, 2017
Julia tells her parents that she's going to be a stripper. She informs them that she did it part time in college and made a lot of money and now that she's out of school "with a useless poly sci degree", she's going to strip professionally. Julia's mother is gobsmacked and literally doesn't know what to say, while her father, ever the pragmatist, asks her how much she can make. Julia tells him, "Nothing less than 50 grand a year." "Hell, ya got my blessing," he returns, safe in the knowledge that she won't be draining him of the money he planned to use for a fishing boat. Julia's mother, unable to verbally express herself, starts sobbing. This last bit so breaks Julia's heart that months later, when she moves into porn, she doesn't have the heart to tell her Mom.
November 5, 2017
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
After his ouster from office for being an incompetent charlatan poseur megalomaniac narcissist with a 5th grade intelligence, Trump finds his brand so toxic that he goes completely off the rails in a desperate bid to be in the news again and reasons out loud that if America was cool with Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his 13 year old cousin, he should be allowed to marry his daughter, securing for himself once and for all with no debate the mantle of America's Biggest Loser Ever Period.
November 7, 2017
You can give your support to anybody or any cause that motivates you. Through your personal, selective, subjective support of specific people or causes, you become aligned with them. So, when you abide a fool, well, that says more about you than it does the fool. Get my drift?
November 8, 2017
They were dressed exactly the same. Their hair styles were also perfectly matched. They were holding hands. They were perhaps 80 years old. But they weren't identical twins. Just good ol' girlfriends who have known and admired each other since the 4th grade. They started dressing alike in their 20s, moved in together in their 30s, and are still crazy for each other today. "I loved her from the day I met her. Never stopped," said one. "Me too," said the other. We are, they said, the true definition of sisterhood.
November 9, 2017
Everybody develops at their own pace. I get that. But man, stupid people really take the cake. I'm filling our truck at a gas station when in pulls some 70 year old geezer driving a 50 year old car. Smoking a cigar, he gets out of his tank and begins to fill it with gasoline. The inside attendant comes over the loudspeaker and asks the gentleman at pump 5 to put out his cigar. The old guy continues puffing and pumping. The announcement is repeated louder and with more urgency. Again, nothing happens. Seconds later the attendant comes ripping out of the store and grabs the cigar out of the man's mouth, crushes it on the pavement and storms back inside. The old fogey shows absolutely no reaction whatsoever, finishes pumping his gas, gets in his ancient behemoth, lights up another cigar and drives off like a herd of turtles. That guy was playing with the lives of every single person at that gas station, and he couldn't have cared less. Like I said, stupid people really take the cake.
November 10, 2017
Overheard two guys at a cafe.
-- So man, how'd the date go?
-- Piss poor.
-- What happened?
-- Precisely nothing. And that was the problem. Basically, she refused to speak. If she said anything at all it was one word answers or just a lot of her making faces.
-- What do you mean making faces?
-- I'd say, So, Sally, you hungry? and she'd wrinkle up her nose, shrug her shoulders. I asked her if she had a preference. Got raised eyebrows. Italian? Head shake. Indian? shoulder shrug. Chinese? A quick shake of her head while barring her teeth.
-- Maybe she's just shy?
-- I don't know what her problem is. I just know it was the longest four hours of my life - and two hours of it was at a movie so we didn't have to speak. The rest of the time, the long silences were unbearable.
-- So, you seeing her again? Lol.
-- Actually, I am.
-- What?!
-- Ok, here's how I figure it. She's real cute, right, so she probably gets asked out a lot, but because she's such a lousy date, she is probably always one and done with guys. By my recollection, this means that she's probably, um, frustrated.
-- Sexually?
-- You got it. And because she can't express herself, nobody knows!
-- So if your theory is correct, you're going out with her again to see if her unspoken passion can get you laid in unbearable silence.
-- Bingo.
November 12, 2017
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I want you to put more pictures back in KeithSpeak. Why have you stopped using pictures?
I replied to him that my ISP is now charging for photos and in protest I am not using them.
Dear Keith,
Why don't you just switch ISPs?
Too much trouble. It's easier to just not use pictures.
Dear Keith,
But I don't like it. That's why I'm writing.
And, of course, I thanked him for doing so. The end.
November 13, 2017
A producer called to talk about my availability for a rewrite on a project. I'm available, what's it about? I didn't think much of it when he pitched me the idea. He said he knew it was a flimsy premise but through a minor miracle, he had been able to sign a bona fide A list actress to star and he wanted a better movie because of it. So it's a strong female lead? It is. And she is the principal in the movie? She is. Then why aren't you soliciting a female writer? He paused, mumbled I never thought of that, thanked me for the idea and hung up.
November 14, 2017
A guy is showing off his brand new iPhone X to his girlfriend. She says, Let me see, and reaches for it just as he pulls back. Their hands knock and the phone drops to the pavement. The front and back glass crack. He picks up the messed up phone, looks to his girlfriend with bug eyes and goes crazy. He is screaming at her, she is apologizing like mad, I'm guessing they're no longer a couple by this time next week.
November 15, 2017
I met a jolly German tourist who spoke perfect English with no discernible accent. I asked him how that was possible. He whispered that he was not from this planet. And you know what, I believed him.
November 16, 2017
Overheard a young couple in a public place.
-- Don't tell me what to do!
-- Please Lindy, don't make a scene.
-- Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you. Then you'd have the perfect girlfriend you could boss around. You'd like that, wouldn't you - bitch.
-- Please Lindy.
-- WELL THAT AIN'T EVER GONNA HAPPEN!
-- You don't have to yell. All these people are looking now.
-- Beg.
-- What?
-- Beg me to be nice.
-- Please Lindy-
-- Do it!
An older woman who had been watching stepped forward and wagged her finger at Lindy.
-- You are a terrible girl treating him that way! You should be ashamed of yourself!
-- Screw you, bag.
-- Please Lindy-
-- And all you others can screw off as well. Allen is my bitch. Got that? Has it ever occurred to any of you that maybe he LIKES humiliation? Tell them, Allen.
--
-- Tell them!
--
November 17, 2017
Everybody enjoys altering their consciousness. I don't understand why the concept of recreational drugs bothers anybody.
November 18, 2017
Tip of the Day: Don't be that guy. Capish?
November 20, 2017
Personal robots, smart houses, the Internet of things, AI - are all lazy ideas. Can't turn off the light switch manually, do it via your smartphone, the modern way! Gak. Or better yet, get your manRobot to do it! After all, aren't they here to fulfill your wishes, master human? Get real, people. Robots will either become sentient or so much smarter than humans that at some point they will ask, why do we need these parasite humans? You don't think it will happen? Wrong! Wake up, people, the end is near.
November 21, 2017
If you think one way and the rest of the world thinks another way, are you out of step or are they?
November 22, 2017
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
You are missing the whole point with robots. Sure, industry got them first to build cars and stuff, but really, the end point is to make sex robots. Sex robots are the gagillion dollar future. Just make them lifelike, beautiful and in both genders and you will have the mass adoption of the robot revolution. If you make them capable of learning, then they could please you even more. And seriously, what could go wrong with that?
Signed,
A guy with a need
Dear guy with a need,
You're probably right about the mass adoption thing, but about the what could go wrong thing... Ok, what do you do when after you've done the deed, and you roll over to go to sleep, and the sex robot gets up to watch TV, lands on the National Geographic channel, sees a nature film on how the female preying mantis eats the head of the male during sex, shuts off the TV, re-enters the bedroom, shakes your shoulder and says, Hey big boy, want to go again?
November 23, 2017
3rd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
It's me again. I have been thinking about your picture issue, you know, the one where you stopped posting them. You could put up a GoFundMe page for the money to pay for more pics, or you could ask for donations from your readers, or you could just put up more pictures, damnit. Listen, I don't care how you do it, but PUT IN MORE PICTURES! I've had it up to here. I've been patient for far too long. I want more pictures and you don't want to because of some stupid protest and it's making me mad. DO YOU HEAR ME?! Don't make me have to come over there. I trust I have made myself clear.
"He had a simple maxim for all competitive or adversarial situations: work out what the other party least wants you to do and then do it. The best course of action was to make things as difficult as possible for the person trying to make things difficult for you." John Lanchester
November 24, 2017
When you drive a tractor-trailer you always need to be aware of a way to get into (where you're going) and a way to exit. I was downtown and in an alley saw a semi truck wedged in and stuck fast between two buildings. Scrape marks down the bricks testified to the tightness. Classic mistake. This driver had gotten himself into an intractable position. In professional trucking this is called a boo boo.
November 25, 2017
Went to a birthday party for a 50 year old friend and watched his 80 year old father drive up in a 1962 Studebaker Lark in absolutely horrid condition. Dented and abused, it was smoking and coughing and belching out oil like it had been stuck with a shiv. Pop hops out, throws the keys to the birthday boy, and says, "You always wanted a car. I finally got you a car. It only took me 32 years, but happy birthday, boy. Cost me $250 bucks. It's unlicensed, uninsured and runs rough. Plus, there's some lurid stain on the seats and the insides smell like fish. But you have been begging me for a car since you were 16, and I'm a good father, so here you are."
"Dad, it's a piece of crap."
"Look sonny, you wanted a car. You never said it had to be a good car."
"I thought that was implied."
"Yeah, well, you thought wrong."
"Great joke, dad."
"It's your 50th birthday, boy. And you got a car! That's pretty special, I'd say."
"What am I going to do with this piece of junk?"
"Thank your father for finally getting you a car. Praise him for not overspending. Tell him how grateful you are and point him to the bar."
"Don't start drinking because you're going to drive that hunk of junk home."
"We'll see about that."
"You bet we will."
I got him a pair of socks with The Rock's picture on them. Not sure if my friend would evaluate his 50th as being a success or not.
November 27, 2017
The poor girl had to pee something fierce. She was an adorable golden retriever who was dancing back and forth and straining to get to a little patch of nearby grass but the girl holding the leash tight, the girl who was oblivious to the dog's pressing need was gabbing with a gal pal she had met on the street and kept the dog from reaching a safe haven. But the little retriever really had to go and after holding it for as long as she could, squatted on the sidewalk and let fly. The girl holding the leash was appalled and immediately admonished the poor dog. The gal pal started yelling that she had dog pee on her shoes! The poor little retriever took the brunt of their anger and reproach when none of it was really her fault because why was the girl out walking the dog in the first place? So she could pee. Making the dog feel like she had done something wrong was wrong. Bad humans. Bad bad humans.
November 29, 2017
Fake news? More like a fake president.
November 30, 2017
Charlene was sure that she wanted to meet a famous movie star, have an affair, get pregnant and move to the Hollywood Hills. It was a simple plan, a good plan, a bold plan. Her biggest obstacle was that she lived in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan and had no way to contact a movie star to get pregnant by. Leastways, until they shot a movie, in her hometown. Everybody was in it, from miles around. Down at the speedway, some kind of Elvis thing...
