-- Yeah, and how come I can hear all of you guys like you're in the room with me?
-- Eddie, you down there?
-- Yeah Eddie, why you been so quiet?
-- I'm here. I was just thinking about the times Maria and I made love in here...you guys hear all that?
-- Ooohh yeah!
-- You bet, Eddie - uh, I mean Captain Quickypants!
-- Aw man...
-- Are all you perverts in the other bathrooms?
-- Frankie!
-- Hey Frankie, how come you spend so much time in your bathroom?
-- It's the only place I get some peace and quiet.
-- Amen.
-- The wife, the kids, the incessant video games. I love this room.
-- Hey Frankie, Eddie wants to know if you've heard him and Mrs. Eddie going at it in the bathroom before.
-- You mean Captain Quickypants? Sure, I heard 'em a time or two.
-- Aw man...
-- Hey, whose cell phone is ringing? You know the rules.
-- It was me. Sorry.
-- Ok guys, I gotta go. My 13 year old wants in.
-- You're always ruining it for the rest of us.
-- Yeah Eddie, you need to spend some more quality time in your bathroom. Go eat something bad for you.
-- Maybe next time. Later, guys.
-- Bye.
-- See ya.
-- Ta ta.
October 2, 2012
I'm watching two women jog down our road. One is quite top heavy with lots of movement in her upper body and running appears to be a struggle, while the other woman is lithe and lean, fluid and graceful. The contrast was striking. Had both women been walking, the big breasted woman would have been the one to catch your eye; running, it was the opposite.
October 3, 2012
My antivirus software will occasionally pop up a window that tells me they have saved me from some recent threats. Great, but what I really want to know is what websites were responsible for the threats. Tell me where I was when I encountered this threat so I can avoid the site in the future. But it doesn't do that. It just brags about doing the job it's supposed to be doing. Sigh.
October 4, 2012
We've had a young buck stuck in our field for about a week now. Because of the tree cover it's been hard to flush the deer out, and he easily outruns our dogs when they do manage to get him to move. I have to go up this morning and open all the field gates and hope that he finds his way out before more find their way in. This is a risk/reward situation. It's exactly like Las Vegas, only it's in British Columbia, and it involves deer instead of sharks and whales.
You ever get the feeling you're being watched? It was waiting in the yard outside my bedroom window. I took this picture hoping the flash would scare it away. But it was unmoved, mocking me by its stoic presence. I found myself fixating on the two bent steps near the top. Wasn't it obvious this ladder was out to kill me?! Of course I called the police. They could prevent a needless tragedy. Isn't that what we pay them for? But those fools just laughed at my story. And it's still there, waiting. I'm soon to go mad! What should I do? What would you do?
October 6, 2012
I was waiting for someone in the car. My foot fell asleep. I tried to drive away but couldn't feel the accelerator or the brake. Nearly crashed at a stop sign. Then later I was delivering something to someone and forgot to bring the right package. Had to turnaround, go back home and do it all again. Then later I received a phone call from someone who was quite cross with me and went on and on about this thing and that thing and by the time the phone call was over I was over them. Finally, I let the dogs out before bedtime but spied too late that I hadn't closed the gate and they took off into the night. It's hours later and all is back to the way it was. Some days don't go as planned, but does that make them any less rich than the ones that do?
You had planned on having a nice day at the beach. But an apocalypse happened and you are the only one left. Do you continue on with your day at the water's edge free from the thought of ever having to return to work again or fight for a good spot at the beach? Or do you walk around in a daze saying how you can't believe this has happened and that you're the last person alive and how will you not go crazy being all alone with no one to boss you around or hold you back...no more miserable marriage, obnoxious in-laws, or slacker kids calling you a failure to your face...no more interminable dead end jobs...no more mortgage payments, insurance hassles or tax audits...no more hatred of everything in this stupid town...no more blame, no more...anything! You are free! That's you down there on the sand. What is it you're thinking?
October 8, 2012
Picked up this dog eared, self-published paperback from the rack of a street vendor. The title is, My Life - A Series of Fantastical Events by Marc Llewellyn.
"I am someone you have never heard of but I have suffered electrocution, savages and other fantastical situations. For instance, I am young and decide to take up the golfing game. I go to a course and get put into a group with three adults and on my first round of golfing ever in my life, I shoot what they call a birdie on the very first hole. My mates congratulated me on my fine score. On the next hole I got a 2, and the group shouted Beginner's Luck! and Cheater! Then I shot a hole in one - and did that for three consecutive holes so that by the end of five holes of golfing played, my score stood at 8. The fellows playing with me were incensed and hypercritical of my extraordinary talents. "Trick balls," sniffed one. "Yeah, they must be magnetized or something," said another. The third guy just spit on the ground and said as long as I was desecrating the game of golf - his favorite game - then he might as well spit on the sacred golfing course grounds so as to add insult to injury. He spit a second time, then started hacking because his mouth was dry and he was old and bitter. I told them that fantastical stuff happens to me all the time. And that they were just jealous old bastards. And they all sucked at golfing. Screw them.
Another time this other crazy thing happened to me..."
October 10, 2012
I'm pretty sure that I'm the most well balanced person I know. Perhaps it's a tad unusual to include oneself in such a short list, but my friends are highly unstable and it seems that most of the strangers I meet are too. Perhaps you think it's me? Perhaps it is. Did you see what I did there? The balance? That's what I'm talking about. And lastly, keeping an even keel isn't well balanced. So no need to go admiring the taciturn and emotionless, they're repressed. Ok? Good, good.
You can have your DisneyWorlds, this is my idea of a vacation. Along with some alcohol, a few close friends. Some games of chance. A good book. Maybe a canoe. Someone to paddle it. Someone to make us lunch. Eating it in the red chair with my wife. Um, that's a vacation.
October 12, 2012
A loud and obnoxious man wants to do some business with me. He has a plan that seems wholly unworkable. I try to shift him to a different way of looking at the project but he gets even more vociferous, more entrenched in his determination to do it as planned, and it's at this point that I know I couldn't possibly work with him. I tell him this. For once he is silent. He wants to know if it's something he said. I lied and said no.
October 13, 2012
When I was driving tractor trailers I worked for all kinds of companies with all kinds of equipment. I had a manufacturer's manual I would bring with me to every different piece of equipment I drove explaining all the engine/transmission combinations. The main thing was figuring out the stick. How many forward gears (from 9 to 24), how many reverse (1-3). Did it have a splitter? Was it a stick and button Super 10? Did it have two sticks that needed to be shifted simultaneously (that's right, you would have to take your hands off the steering wheel to shift a 5 X 4 or a 5 X 3 dual stick tranny). What was the shifting pattern and what RPMs did each gear have as its maximum torque range. I would look up all the info, learn about that particular transmission and off I'd go. Now they have automatics in a large number of over the road trucks. Pffft, kids these days, they have it so easy.
So there is a knock at the door and this wee fellow is standing there. "Can I sweep your walk?" he asks. "How much," I say. "Oh, a beer would do," he replies. I agree to that, but before he starts I say, "Can I ask you a question?" He smiles knowingly as if he's been asked this a million times. "Am I really a gnome and do I really live underground and guard the treasures of the earth," he ventures. "No," I say, "I wanted to know where you got that little broom. It would be perfect for cleaning my keyboard." One beer later the walks were spotless and the little dude was gone.
October 15, 2012
I was introduced to a modern day hippie. He scanned my aura and pronounced it "clean". He read my "energy" and said that my mojo was in fine working order. He gave me a piece of grass and suggested I pretend it's a four leaf clover. He mentioned his love for Buddha, then winked and said that he was also pretty fond of the Egyptian sun god, Ra. He told me that he lived in a tent on his grandfather's property, only ate what he could grow, and appreciated every day as if it were his last. I congratulated him on treading lightly and being peaceful.
October 16, 2012
I was watching a documentary about a guy who built a house whose interior walls were all upholstered. They were soft and plush and gave the house a refined, elegant feel. At least in the "before" pictures. Because upon completion, the guy got transferred, and while he was gone had to rent the place out to pay the mortgage. The tenants had cats. Lots of cats. The shredded walls in the "after" pics show clearly how the cats could run horizontally along a wall and then jump from wall to wall without ever touching the floor. Because the cost of reupholstering the walls was monumental, his insurance company denied his claim - get this - even though he worked for that same insurance company, and they were the ones who transferred him away. The documentary was about his shock.
October 17, 2012
All I wanted was a little peace and quiet, even though we were in the mall. But this kid was whining and blubbering and all these women were coming up to it and cooing and saying, It's all right, shhhhh, but the manipulative baby kept acting out and screaming at the top of its puny lungs and I just wanted to go over and give it some, you know, tough love, but my wife pulled me away before I could do any real damage, er, good. Do any good. My guess, in twenty year's time little Chucky's gonna be a meth addict and a gang member and we're gonna tangle in an ill fated attempt at robbery gone horribly wrong or something cinematic like that, I can feel it. As I walked by I put two fingers toward my eyes and pointed them back at Chucky. I've got my eye on you... I swear to heaven, the baby sneered at me.
What is on your Q and Apages? This computer was my ex-girlfriend who we broke up because she spends her time in cafés and won’t get the job. I take her computer to pay for rent she never pay. Now she can stay for 3 months, and if she is good, I will let her use MY computer. What is rent like in where you live?
Josef from Prague
Excellent letter, Josef! Rent’s about the same. The Q and As are full of questions and answers, just like these:
Is there such a thing as too much spiritual energy? I get shocked whenever I touch anything around the house! Perhaps I have healing powers?
Feel me, see me, touch me, heal me... Well Tommy, the good news is your spiritual energy is just fine. Your Holiday Camp however, is dry. I suggest you install a dehumidifier and put some moisture back into the air. You can still be a great healer, it's just now you won't hurt those you help.
My husband has grown fat and lazy while I have stayed shapely and get lots of admiring looks from other men. My husband doesn't even notice how others ogle me. But I like it. I want to be desired. Should I leave the bum?
Is there nothing more to your marriage that the leering of strangers can cause you to abandon it?
Tell us a joke.
Integrity in politics.
My 16 year old son is a math dolt. He doesn't get numbers at all. This is both offensive and painful to my wife and myself as we are both Chartered Accountants with our own accounting firm. This boy embarrasses us. We have tried everything from tutors to the Internet. We want him in the family business, but for that he's got to be an accountant. What can we do with him?
Leave him alone. Get a grip. So he not going to live out your dream. If he's not born to be an accountant, he's born to be something else. Let him find out what that is. Right now, all he knows is what he isn't.
Please tell me something you know that I wouldn't know.
Wrestling's fake.
The little dogs are the ones to watch out for.
You are far more than you know.
Everything is an illusion.
If diets don't work - and they don't because I have tried every one ever made - then how do you lose weight?
Let me ask you a question first: Why have you been eating so much that you are gaining weight? Figure that out and you will answer your own question.
What do you do when you get a bad book review? I would hate to have people not like me.
A book review is simply someone's personal opinion. It is true and valid feedback from a single individual. If someone doesn't like something I do, and I do like what I have done, then I don't see that as a problem for me.
I'm 6'6" tall and my girlfriend is 4'8". Our friends have taken to calling us Mutt and Jeff because of the size disparity. The thing is, we really do look funny together. It's starting to make me look around at taller women. Is this size thing a good enough reason to break up over?
You are talking about the outer person. Most good relationships are based on the inner person. I suggest you try and separate the two for yourself and take a good look at who she is inside. Is that who you want to be with?
It sounds like you place a good deal of stock in respecting oneself. Why is that so important in the big scheme of things?
If you don't think you have worth, why should others?
That Russell Crowe is a brutish lout. I sure wouldn't give him an Academy Award for his bad behavior.
I may be wrong, but I think they give people Academy Awards for their screen acting.
When you die, do you go to a real Heaven?
You know, I wouldn't focus so much on the locale, as I would the fact that you do go on.
My gross, old, fat, neighbour Wilma is coming on to me. The whole thing disgusts me. I only wish my other neighbour, Sheila was doing it. She's one fine bird. How can I discourage the one and attract the other?
Be up front. Tell Wilma it's never going to happen; tell Sheila it must.
What the bloody hell is going on!
Everything and nothing, all at once, for as long as you breathe.
Have you purposely shunned literary success? It sounds to me, from your website, that you are content to live outside the glare of the publishing industry. Is that fair to say? And why have you done that?
The publishing industry is predicated on marketing and promotion, aka, selling books. I am interested in having a say, doing what I want, and living my nice, quiet life here. They're pretty much mutually exclusive.
But shouldn’t you strive for more?
More than love, home, family, peace, awesome quality of life, ongoing personal development and world class scenery? I dunno, that kind of sounds greedy, eh?
There is this Spanish movie star that makes me melt. I don’t even know his name. I never thought I could go for the Latin type, but this guy is sooooo hot. Of course he probably has a million girls hanging all over him. Do you think someone like that might be interested in a conservative school teacher from the Midwest?
In real life? Probably not. In your head, in your fantasies? Absolutely.
Do you think the world would come to an end if the world ran out of beer?
Nah, but as there'd be nothing to cry into, no one would know how sad it’d really be.
I got caught having sex with our neighbor’s daughter. I’m 52, she is 19. My wife wants a divorce, our daughter, who is the same age as the neighbor girl, is disgusted and is moving in with her boyfriend, and our neighbors have put their house up for sale. Am I having a mid life crisis?
I couldn’t say if it’s the official mid life crisis, but it sure sounds like a crisis in mid life to me.
You are such a Bush hater! I hate you! I wish you would just shut up about our President Bush – he is a great man!
Sez you. As for me, I’ve sez it before and I’ll sez it again: Bush is a moron.
How do I eliminate jealousy over my friend’s good fortune?
You are not your friend. Life is not a competition. You’re in this for yourself. You want to help yourself, do good for yourself? Then create your own good fortune and join your friend in celebration. Your life is up to you. If you envy her good fortune, it sounds like your life is up to her.
I cheated on an exam and got caught. The thing is, I’m not sorry I did it. And I know for sure I would do it again. I’m pretty lazy, and studying isn’t something I like to do. I don’t care about half the crap they teach anyway. How old do you have to be to quit school?
I think when you quit, you quit, no matter how old you are, unless you’re in kindergarten, and then they probably won’t let you quit, so I guess you can’t be 5 years old, if you’re looking for an age limit. Does that help?
I am dating the twins, Rhonda and Rhoda. Am I lucky or what?
There is no such thing as luck, but perhaps dating twins defies this fact?
I eats nuts in bed. They make me feel sexy. I love cracking them with my little teeth. They give me tiger energy too. Grrrr. All the time I’m eating my nuts I’m wearing a thong. My wife says it’s a fetish. What do you think this is?
80 years or so later we leave in a suit or dress as if we're going to a party.
But who's to say we aren't?
October 20, 2012
Went to a sports store to pick up my hockey skates after being sharpened and there was a gouge in one of the blades. The guy at the store said that they were training a new employee and he had nicked it while learning how to sharpen it. I asked him if they were going to replace the blade. He said he wasn't going to do anything. What? Where is the manager? He said he was the manager. I asked him who owned the store. This is a small town, so I looked the guy up in the phone book and drove to his house. I knocked on his door, explained my story, showed him the damaged skate blade and said, in my most reasonable voice, that if he didn't replace the blade I would run it alongside his car in the driveway as I left. Tit for tat. One phone call later and the blades on both skates were replaced. Two weeks after that I am playing in a pickup game at the arena when who do I see playing for the other side? The store manager. An aggressive elbow, some punishing body checks and a punch to the head later and I figure we're even. Quid pro quo, dude, quid pro quo.
October 22, 2012
It's been a really busy couple of days. Even as we speak I am preparing to leave for the airport. But things will be back to normal tomorrow. I shall be my old self tomorrow. The sun'll come up tomorrow. Aww. Ta.
October 23, 2012
Put in my place by an eleven year old! I'm being distracted by the son of a buddy who has stopped by to weld some steel. The kid asks me when I'm going to come out and watch him play Pee Wee hockey. I'm busy with his dad. Someday I will do just that, I say. He says, There are seven days in the week and someday isn't one of them. His father laughs from under his helmet. Gawd.
October 24, 2012
Went to a birthday party yesterday and watched the birthday girl, a friend's conservative, church going wife, get completely snockered and start dancing provocatively in front of their neighbor's teenaged son. Her husband tried to stop her but she ignored him and started kissing the boy in front of everyone. When she started unbuttoning her blouse, her husband turned off the music and told her enough was enough. She got mad and they had a doozy of a fight before she stormed off. The party was effectively over and everyone left. This morning we all got a cheery e-mail from her thanking us for coming to her birthday party and that she hoped to see us all in church on Sunday! Whew, other people's lives.
October 25, 2012
Hmm, it just occurred to me that when I was a young boy (8-14) and swam for the YMCA swim team, we always had practice naked. Back then, boys didn't wear swim suits at the YMCA pool and as far as I can remember, everybody acted like that was normal. There were always coaches and male adults there, but they were always dressed. Hmm, that's kind of crazy now that I think about it.
Is this the moment you realized that you'd better change your profile on DateAVampire.com as this guy's too real and too creepy and not at all sexy like that hunk from Twilight, or are you intrigued by what he claims to be, a cane salesman from the hills of Romania, a region notorious for its contempt of dentistry?
October 27, 2012
I'm busy baking cookies. That's right, instead of putting the snow chains on the tractor and fixing some fencing in our field, I am baking cookies. My wife says it's avoidance behavior. I'm shocked at her assertion! No cookies for you!
October 28, 2012
Went to check my mail in the morning after not having been to the post office in a week and saw there was nothing in the box. That seemed odd. I went about doing a string of other errands and ended up returning to the post office because it was unsettling that after a week, there were no bills, no flyers, no junk, no nothing. So I went to the front and asked a postal worker how this could be. She went to check. She came back with a stack of mail. "It got put in the wrong box," she said. I have had that post office box for 25 years. Everyone who works there knows me and I know them. And yet...
October 29, 2012
Because of the big rig post earlier this month, I was asked by a reader who drives professionally what my handle was when I drove. I went by "seldom seen". I have driven Kenworths, Peterbilts, Freightliners, Fords, Internationals, Macks and White Western Stars. I have driven dry vans, reefers, flatbeds, drop decks and lowboys. I have never pulled doubles, triples, tankers, livestock or car carriers. I have driven all the lower 48, Alaska, and nine Canadian provinces. I liked it so much that I always thought that if I ever got stinkin' rich I would buy my own truck, just to keep my hand in, just to get out of the house every now and then. But that didn't happen. Either part.
October 31, 2012
You may think that the world is random and coming at you full force, but you're just telling yourself that. The flip side is you are in full control of your life, all the choices and decisions you make are yours and yours alone and no one is forcing you to do anything. Examine what you tell yourself. Then stop acting like you don't know what's going on.
