Like everyone else, I'm standing in line waiting when this comely woman walks up to me, smiles, and cuts right in front of me. Now I have been here for fifteen minutes and am currently 2nd from the front so I say, Excuse me, but you were not in front of me in line. She turns around, sticks out her chest, bats her eyes and says, I hope you don't mind, sweetie. Ah, but I do, I say. She puts on a fake pout and says, But I'm giving you something good to look at while you wait, and then turns around and wiggles her butt at me. I seize my opportunity, mean though it is. It's like looking at a vat of cottage cheese, I declare. She snorts and leaves. I'm next! Oh boy.
September 3, 2014
Got an e-mail from a reader who declared himself "a disciple" of mine. Ooh, that's too creepy for me, boy. I wrote back and said that I was the leader of my own life, not anybody else's, and that he should think for himself. He wrote back and said that I doth protest too much and he is an adherent regardless. He asked if I had a colour preference for the robes. Sigh.
September 4, 2014
If you think about it, your entire concept of reality is nothing more than your thoughts about it. Sure, we all believe in root assumptions like gravity and sex, but most everything else is up for grabs. If you tell me the earth is flat, but I believe it's square, then we're living different realities. Because our ideas about the world are different, our interpretations are bespoke. We have a tendency to think that everyone literally sees the world as we do with our own eyes. But each eye is different. Each consciousness that processes what the eye sees is unique. We are all in our own individual, completely subjective worlds that we define through our very thoughts about it. That's tidy.
September 5, 2014
I had someone plug their arc welder into an outlet in my barn and they blew the main breaker. When I turned the main back on, the outlet was fried. I installed a new outlet but it still didn't work. I called an electrician. He came out and basically told me I needed to rewire the barn. What?! Get outta here. I called another electrician and he said that I needed new Romex from the outlet to the breaker panel. That sounded much more plausible, however, his quote for doing it was way too much. I called a third electrician and this guy completed the work for half of what the other guy wanted.
Try to get yourself a bargain, son
Don't be sold on the very first one
Pretty girls come a dime a dozen
Try to find you one who's gonna give you true loving
I leaned over the baby carriage and peered in. The kid was so serious looking. I said to the mother, That is one serious looking baby. She said she and her husband call him Serious Dan, even though his name is Dwight. "He never smiles, he always looks like he's thinking about some business deal, and if he could talk he would probably fire me. I don't feel like his mother so much as the help." Yikes.
September 8, 2014
I rounded a corner only to find two adults engaged in a staring contest. How it started, what's at stake, who they were, made no difference. I maneuvered my way around them and continued on. When I returned some five minutes later, they were both still at it. Nobody can go that long without blinking. Aliens! I thought. Now I know.
September 9, 2014
Overheard at the movies.
-- Who do you think is the worst actor ever?
-- So many to choose from...Arnold Schwarzenegger?
-- I think it's a tie between Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider.
-- You can't call Rob Schneider an actor. You can call him many things - lame, a mess, unfunny - but you can't call him an actor. And let's face it, Adam Sandler is a train wreck.
-- Sandler's acting reminds me of when that idiot Dennis Miller was trying to be a football announcer. Remember that debacle? Adam Sandler and Dennis Miller - they both think they're smarter and cuter than they really are, when actually they're just lame and useless.
-- Ok, so who's the best actor ever?
-- I'd say Dame Helen Mirren.
-- She's hot. I'd like to see Helen Mirren do a porno.
-- What? She's like 90.
-- I don't care, she's hot.
-- What if she was in a porno with Rob Schneider? Would you go see that?
-- Oh man...
September 10, 2014
In the grocery store two young girls were sitting in the condiments aisle eating pickles out of jars recently plucked from the shelves. There were no other adults present. About ten minutes later I finish my shopping and am standing in line at the checkout as the woman ahead of me pays for her groceries. After completing the transaction she turns around and yells back into the store, SHERI, MAISY, I'M LEAVING, then wheels her cart away. Moments later there is breaking glass followed by the two girls scampering out the store. Bad parenting? Terrible children? What's the call here?
September 11, 2014
I was waiting in the parking lot for my wife to return from shopping. Killing time, I watched some bug moving slowly across the asphalt. When it reached the far side it came up against a curb. The bug made no attempt to scale the curb and instead walked parallel to it all the way down to the sidewalk where the bug rounded the end of the curb and started back up the other side. It crawled almost to the spot where it had initially run into the curb, and turned left into a patch of grass, where I lost sight of it. Well, that killed about 10 minutes. I scanned the parking lot for more bugs.
Heinrich begrudgingly agreed that his newly proposed route might be a death ride with a 59% grade, nearly uncontrollable speed going downhill, and a harrowing transition at the bottom, but, he argued, his route would eliminate all those pesky hairpins not to mention saving at least 12 minutes. But not everyone agreed. A deathtrap, snickered one Ferrari dealer. Sheer lunacy, mocked the Lamborghini dealer. A dreadful rendering, commented the Porsche dealer. We have the greatest driving road in the world, stated the Maserati dealer, why should we agree to this nut's proposal? He probably drives a Lada, sneered the Bentley dealer. The Aston Martin dealer suggested tar and feathering but everyone agreed that that was too messy. The Audi dealer thought they might stake him out in the hot sun and pour honey over his body and let the fire ants eat him alive, but the McLaren dealer had to remind him that they had no fire ants in the mountains. Instead they agreed to hack his Facebook page. Properly chastised, Heinrich went home to think of other ideas that might be just as good or better than this one.
September 13, 2014
Overheard tourists talking.
-- The lake is nice but the town leaves a lot to be desired.
-- True, it's not like where we live.
-- It's not even half as good as where we live.
-- There's no comparison.
-- Why did we even come here for vacation?
-- We could have stayed at home.
-- We should have stayed home.
-- Man, are we stupid.
-- Some vacation.
September 14, 2014
Ooh, saw a wiry, chemically disconnected man, a self-proclaimed "artist" with absolutely the worst "art" imaginable, selling it out of the back of a van like he stole it only it was so horrid no one would. Anyway, a couple of people stopped and looked but they didn't stay long as the "artist" was clearly a deranged human. Not long after, the police arrived. Before they could even get out of their cruiser, the "artist" threw up his hands like he knew it all along, turned, got into the van and drove off - with the back and side doors open. The "art" that was on display was now all over the street. The police turned on their flashers and proceeded forward, running over the "art" like the litter it was. An apt critique, I thought.
September 15, 2014
You've got to stop complaining about everyone else. You just do. Life is not a competition, it's not a race, there is no reason to seek a psychological or moral advantage over anybody else, and you are hardly the victim. Instead of denigrating others or laying blame, why not just focus on you and your part in everything you do? Because it starts and ends with you. Everyone else is just part of the audience. Capish?
The thought of going to school with the commoners made little Franz shiver. He dreaded the communal bus, the stained seats, having to sit between the bourgeois shop keeper kids and the dirty proletarian children of the factory workers. Franz knew that this attempt for him to be just like the little people he was going to rule one day was going to go horribly wrong and he would be in therapy about it for years to come, but he bravely threw on his red Hermes backpack with the 'Aristocracy are people too!' white stitching, and trudged to his fate.
September 17, 2014
You know how one always says when considering doing something risky, Well, as long as I don't die... as that is usually the generally accepted last worst possible thing that could happen. But I knew someone who just got out of eight years in a maximum security prison and he says there are way worse things that can happen besides dying. Way worse, he reiterated. So now you know.
September 18, 2014
I ran into a friend I hadn't see in a long while. While catching up, she told me that she had been at fault in a car accident and had lost her license for a year. I know she lives alone about six miles out of town so I asked her what she was doing for transportation. She said she rides her quarter horse, Clyde. It takes them an hour and a half to get into town. She shops, socializes, and hangs out, then she and Clyde walk back home. "The accident sucked for sure, and when I get my license back I'll start driving again, but this year long experience with Clyde has been fantastic. He really saved my neck. To think it's 2014 and I ride a horse everywhere! Screw the modern world!" Amen.
September 19, 2014
This guy reads a story about a billionaire and says he wishes he were a billionaire. Not me. Twelve million or so would do me. Why, what's the figure for you?
"In the dream, the landscape was fuzzy but alluring. It was easy to walk among the lavender trees as the path was clearly defined and wide. The main problems came later when the path turned into a snake and the lovely purple trees turned out to be carnivorous. I barely escaped with my life! What does it mean, Doc?"
"I'm not sure... I have only ever seen one path that turned into a snake but it was a friendly one, and I was high as a kite... So let's focus on the trees. You said they were purple. Do you hate purple? Was your mother purple? Did she eat meat? Could the trees have been your angry mother? Perhaps, yes... Well, that was a tough nut to crack but I think we nailed it. Even I feel better. What? Oh, just stay away from your mother, you'll be fine."
September 21, 2014
Overheard a couple of gals on the street.
-- Let's get some ice cream.
-- Ok.
-- Wait, I thought you were on a diet?
-- I am.
-- Well then you can't have ice cream.
-- Then why did you ask me if I wanted some?
-- I didn't remember you were on a diet until you agreed to have ice cream and then I was like, Wait a minute, isn't she on a diet?
-- A little ice cream won't kill me.
-- You know what they say: What doesn't kill you makes you fatter.
-- What? That's offensive.
-- It's just a slogan.
-- The slogan is: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not fatter.
-- Oh really?
-- Bitch.
Silence.
-- Let's get some ice cream.
-- Ok.
September 22, 2014
You have the choice to either hate war or love peace. Which do you think will bring about the desired result? (Tip: Put your energy toward what you want, not what you don't want.)
September 23, 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's been a disappointing season for so many things, really
(shrug of the shoulders)
September 24, 2014
What are you waiting for? Make the change. The discontent has been there for a while. You have imagined other possibilities than the ones you are experiencing, so what are you waiting for? Easier said than done, eh. For many, taking the leap may be the hardest thing about change. Instead of looking forward to something new and exciting, different and better, they identify with what they're losing rather than gaining. Reluctant to release the familiar, feet are dragged, intolerable situations are endured indefinitely. But people move at their own developmental speed. Sooner or later, like it or not, we all change. (Tip: Put your energy toward what you want, not what you don't want.)
September 25, 2014
Busy day. It's someone's birthday. I'm in charge of planning, presents, dinner and more. Even though I've known about it forever, I haven't really, um, done much about it. So I have to do it all today, the day of. Is there pressure? For sure. Can I mess this up? You bet. Deep breath. Ok, synchronize watches. I'm off.
Not proud of her belly, Melissa started telling everyone she was pregnant rather than admit that she was just overweight. "I'm feeding for two" she would tell everyone before consuming huge amounts of food secure in the knowledge that no one would be getting on her case for nine whole months. She would decide later what to do about the fact that she still had a belly after that, when the questions would start, and she would again have to be clever.
September 27, 2014
A courier truck came down our driveway. It was like the tallest vehicle I've ever seen. It started ripping off tree branches as it approached the house, which is the place where the driver realized he would be unable to turn around and his only choice was to continue down to the barn, turn around there, then head back up the drive to the house, except the path to the barn had many low overhanging trees, all of which he managed to mangle and break as he drove under them first one way and then back the other. By the time he reached the house it looked like a tornado had ripped through our property. There were tree branches and leaves everywhere, but his truck, you should have seen his truck. It was all scratched and dented to hell. He grabs my package off the passenger seat and hops out of the traumatized vehicle. We finish our transaction, he turns around, and for the first time sees the beat up, smashed up, scratched to hell company truck. He just stands there staring at it. Mindful of our trees, I suggest that next time he might want to park his comically tall truck at the top of our drive and walk on down. Mouth open, unable to speak, he either shook his head or it was a tremor, I'm not sure which.
September 28, 2014
What do you think is going on? How are you a functioning, breathing human being in what seems to be a real world? How come you have a life to live? Have you asked yourself why you go unconscious for eight hours a night and have a body full of functioning organs and complex, intricate, intelligent systems that you have no clue how you're running but you obviously are? Have you ever asked yourself why you believe in anything you believe in? Have you ever wondered who's in control? Well, all of your questions and all of the answers come from the exact same place - you. Ergo, while living a life, you are in control. It's all about you. That's all it's ever been.
September 29, 2014
Tip of the month: Whatever you're doing, whatever the circumstance, put your energy toward what you want to happen, not what you don't want to happen. It makes all the difference in the world. Does too.
September 30, 2014
As another month comes to a close I would like to thank all those who read KeithSpeak. I write this for me and I write it for you. Thanks for reading.
