I was waiting for something to happen. Patience were required. I had little to none. I grew impulsive, wanted to act spontaneously, get the ball rolling as it were. But I restrained myself. Oh yes I did. At least initially. Of course, one can only tamp things down so far before, well, ka-boom. Suddenly it's patience be damned, all over the room. Beyond that, ooh, a wasteland. The aftermath. You know, devastation, complete and utter destruction, the works. Well, I was waiting for something to happen. And it sure did.
September 2, 2024
Overheard a tourist family at the waterfront.
-- This is beautiful!
-- Can we go swimming, Daddy?
-- No, honey, this is a bird sanctuary.
-- What does that mean?
-- It means no swimming to protect the birds.
-- But I want to go in the water!
-- Dad said no, Delia.
-- Shut up, Ricky.
-- Mom, can I go swimming?
-- You heard your father.
-- But I'm hot. I want to go in!
-- What a baby.
-- Shut up, Ricky.
-- You shut up, Delia.
-- Daddy, what would you do if I just jumped in the water.
-- Oh, we would probably leave you here while we go to McDonald's for lunch.
-- McDonald's! I want McDonald's!
-- Shut up, Ricky. Daddy, would you being me back some food?
-- No deal, Delia.
-- Ricky!
-- Ricky, that's enough. Leave your sister alone.
-- All aboard the McDonald's express. Leaving immediately.
-- Daddy, can we go eat and then come back to swim?
-- Delia, honey, this is a bird sanctuary. It's to protect the birds. It's a big lake, we'll find a beach somewhere else so you can go swimming. Come on.
-- What! We're not going to McDonald's?! You lied?
-- Nobody lied, Ricky.
-- Mom, I can't trust this family anymore!
-- Calm down, Ricky. I can only take one abject child at a time.
-- Let's go, kids.
September 3, 2024
QUESTIONS FROM READERS
How many questions do you think you've answered over the years?
Huh? 50? 16? Half a million?
Ok, if you'll let me clarify instead of jumping all over me, maybe my question about questions would make more sense.
Oh, by all means, fire away.
I wanted to know how many questions because I was thinking maybe you could hold a contest where like, I dunno, the 10,000th question is asked and that person gets a prize or something and it just so happens that me asking how many turns out to be the 10,000th question and wouldn't that be cool, you know, all meta like that?
You want me to give you a prize "or something" for your concocted contest that doesn't exist and then fake reward you for winning it?
Yeah.
Ok, sounds fun. But you are also obligated to take the prize. No matter what it is. No matter how crazy, how big, how...dangerous.
Uh...
Thems the rules.
Ok, look, what if you make it the 10,001st question and I just miss it by one?
Sure, or what if we just pretend this never happened.
What is you favorite colour?
Over the years I have probably answered this question 10,000 times - wait a minute! Tee hee. Gray.
There are things I know and things I don't know. Same with you. Same with everybody, right? Do you think we will ever know it all?
What you know is who you are. What you don't know is not who you are. That help?
I love a certain candy bar. I have written to the company telling them I am their biggest fan and I could do commercials for them but I was rebuffed. So I'm not gonna give them the free publicity here of saying which candy bar it is. But boy do I love 'em. Can't get enough of 'em, plain and simple.
Good question.
Oh yeah. What's your favorite candy bar?
Can't say. What's yours?
Oh Henry! Damn! I wasn't going to name it. I can see your reputation as a trickster is well deserved.
A trickster? That's the word on the street?
Hey, it's us asking you questions, not the other way around!
So right.
Have you ever tried to see how many aspirin you could fit into your mouth at one time?
No.
Why have you not optimized your site to be read on a smartphone?
Because I use a desktop monitor to create it and I have a million and one hacks within the site so that if I tried to optimize for a small screen all the formatting would be ruined and unreadable. Plus, I don't use a smartphone.
I'm curious, what smartphone do you have?
Wow. Clearly we're done here.
September 5, 2024
Something was foisted upon me. So medieval! Isn't foisted one of those words you don't hear very often but take notice when you do? Anyway, I was left with no choice. I couldn't foist it on anybody else, didn't have that kind of power, but I thought I might be able to fob it off. Fob! Another fabulous F word. I could go on but this is probably plenty. Ok, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
September 6, 2024
You're fit, you're healthy, but your doctor tells you that you're going to have to take a pill every day for the rest of your life. Regardless of what the pill is for, would you still feel that you're fit and healthy?
There's too much stuff to carry around nowadays. You need something other than your pants pockets.
-- Thus the reimagined fanny pack.
-- But so much more. Quality materials, rugged construction and thoughtful consideration make them so much better today. On my hip, in this small bag, I have my cell phone in a padded sleeve, my sunglasses in a mesh pocket, my car keys tethered on an internal lanyard, a power pack, cables, my AirPods, my wallet, some gum and a pen. My hands are free and I don't have all this crap in my pockets weighing me down.
-- And I gotta say, on you, it's manly.
-- I think so. Hell, I'm at work. None of these stiffs have called it a purse yet.
-- Actually, it wasn't the idea of a fanny pack that was awful, it was the 80s that were awful.
-- Don't remind me.
-- Well look, thanks for the education.
-- My pleasure. Hey, where do you carry your cell phone?
-- I don't have one.
-- Man! That is so much more hard core than what to carry it in!
September 9, 2024
Took our side by side up in our field to repair some fence and ran into two bears feasting on rose hips in a meadow (and most likely the cause of my need to fix the fence). I stopped when I saw them and they stopped eating when they saw me. If I fix the fence with them in the field, they will only re-ruin it to get out of the field. Day lost. So I start backing up. They watch me leave. I turn the UTV around, wave to the bears and drive away. They go back to eating rose hips. Ah, the rural life.
September 10, 2024
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate for breakfast?
Discuss
September 12, 2024
The difference between the haves and have nots is the haves are no longer hungry. The have nots are motivated by their hunger (for food, recognition, respect). The haves just want to keep the status quo. But there is no twain where these two shall meet; one simply overpowers the other. Hunger is how the haves are created.
September 13, 2024
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
You have been doing KeithSpeak for 25 years. How come you haven't run out of stuff to say?
Signed,
Wan with writer's block
Dear Blocked,
This life, this world, this reality - there's a lot to think about. Consequently, there's a lot to say about it. Haven't you ever wondered at ALL this going on? If you haven't, perhaps you've been mired in the mundane. Remember when Twitter started and people would post what they had for breakfast? Proof, there is always something to say even if there's nothing to say. Oh, and by the way, writer's block isn't real. You made it up. It's all in your head. Knock it off. Start writing. About what? It doesn't matter. Start writing.
September 14, 2024
They were separating. He had to move out of the house. He rented a sad, empty, 1 bedroom apartment. She allowed him to take one fork, one spoon and one knife. She also gave him one plate and one glass. The place was dreary and except for his sleeping bag and the aforementioned kitchen items, bare. His girlfriend, the reason for his separation, refused to come back once she saw the sorry state of the apartment and his life. His kids hated him for cheating on their mother. He had his work but that was unfulfilling. In short order, his life had fallen apart. In due time he couldn't live with himself any longer. They found his body a week later. Other people's lives (or lack thereof).
September 15, 2024
Got a new gadget that is supposed to "learn" the way something is used and then act accordingly. It's supposed to get better and more accurate over time. In the meantime, it's erratic, given to false readings, and is completely untrustworthy. I asked the manufacturer, How long until it gets good? They did the corporate buck pass with, Depends... and then they listed about 100 things that could be the issue. Sigh.
September 16, 2024
Why be envious of others? If you are proud of you, there is no reason to envy anyone else.
September 17, 2024
He was in his late 80s and as he trudged up our road walking two adorable Beagle puppies, I thought, How is he ever going to outlive those little dogs? And it made me sad to think they could be orphaned and possibly stuck in the house with no food and no way out if he died in his sleep. Maybe if he didn't look so frail...maybe if the puppies weren't so cute and full of life...
September 18, 2024
Overheard a man talking to himself at the liquor store.
-- All she ever says is, Yer drunk! Yer a alcoholic! You drink too much! Oh shut up, Lorraine. I drink to put up with you. She thinks she's Miss Perfect but I know she's pretty damn far from that. I'm always sayin', Lorraine, leave me alone! Does she leave me alone? Never! Not once. But as soon as I crack a beer or mix a drink, she starts. Her father was a drunk. Sumbitch was a mean drunk. So she don't like alcohol and she hates me 'cause I do. But you know what? I like drinkin'. I could do without the hangovers, the bed spins and Lorraine's bullshit, but I like drinkin'. She don't understand that. Miss Perfect! Anyway, what to get today...
September 19, 2024
Out of nowhere I was asked what Elon Musk means to me. Huh? Elon Musk mean nothing to me. Well, what do you think of him? Not much, I replied, Now why is that? Look, air and water are given to us. We don't have to manufacture either to stay alive. The sun is a perfect distance from us. This lush terra firma is diverse, plentiful, and vastly rich. The temperature range on our rock is quite suitable and our Earth has regular rhythms that are most conducive to human life. Elon Musk wants to go to Mars. Mars is a wasteland. I say we let him go.
Look at the lines on this puppy! A 1934 work of art and undeniable proof they don't make 'em like they used to.
September 22, 2024
Overheard a young couple at the wharf.
-- Why did you kiss her?
-- I don't know. It just happened.
-- Oh, she just threw her lips at you?
-- We kissed, Charlotte, it's not the end of the world.
-- Oh, it isn't? Then maybe I should tell you about when I blew Danny J. in the backseat of your car.
-- You did not.
-- Maybe, but I could if I wanted. So why did you kiss her? You in love with her?
-- Come on, Charlie, she means nothing to me.
-- I'm hurt, Jimmy. You made out with another girl and everyone saw you do it. I was the last to know. That hurt.
-- Yeah, speaking of which, how come you weren't there?
-- Maybe I was blowing Danny J. in the backseat of your car.
September 23, 2024
I set up a complicated spreadsheet but I used the wrong formula and the numbers came out skewed. Since I wasn't sure where my mistake was and I didn't want to retype everything in again only to have it possibly happen twice, I drew a grid on a piece of paper and filled in all the numbers with a pencil. I immediately saw my mistake and also realized how easy it was to do this by hand. Wait, isn't this the opposite of what was supposed to happen with the digital age? Cripes, I'm writing with a pencil again - is this regression a repudiation of software complexity, or just a fallback to the Keep It Simple Stupid paradigm?
September 24, 2024
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
JULES
I believe I will have the '52 Cabernet.
WAITER
Very good, sir. If I may ask,
what are we celebrating tonight?
JULES
Celebrating?
WAITER
Well, that's a $600 bottle of vino, I just assumed.
JULES
You think I can't afford it?
WAITER
Frankly sir, I'm worried about my tip.
You're here by yourself.
You drink a whole bottle, you'll be on your ass by the end -
another table too drunk to remember to tip.
JULES
What a whiner!
WAITER
All the same, I would prefer that you tip me now
before I traipse all the way down to the wine cellar
and then worry about my tip as the hours go by
and I watch you proceed to get wasted.
JULES
Cheeky, but fair enough. What's 5% of 600 bucks?
WAITER
5%? 5%!
JULES
I was never good at math.
WAITER
You don't say. Let's see, 5%, that's $210.
JULES
Is it?
WAITER
May I bring you something to nosh on
while I schlep downstairs?
JULES
Sure, how 'bout some Slim Jims. The hot ones.
WAITER
Slim Jims? With a '52 Cabernet?
JULES
What, too low brow for you?
WAITER
Sir, this establishment has standards.
JULES
Tipping before the service? You coulda fooled me.
WAITER
I must warn you the Hot Slim Jims will overpower
the subtly of the Cabernet. I strongly suggest you opt
for the Original Slim Jim.
JULES
Yeah? Then Original it is!
WAITER
Very good, sir. Enjoy your...whatever this is.
JULES
This is Slim Jims and wine!
WAITER
It's never too late for class.
September 25, 2024
There is a birthday today. Not mine. No, I have to give a present not receive, although I'm warming to the idea of the present giver getting a gift from the giftee as a token of appreciation for the gift just given. It doesn't have to be that big or too expensive, heck, they could even just give you back the same gift you're giving them, makes it easy that way. But isn't this a swell idea? Come on, who's with me!
September 26, 2024
Now this is great company support: I had an issue with an item that I loved. I wrote to the company about how to fix it. They wrote back immediately and asked me for more information and pictures of the problem. I responded with a full explanation and pics of the issue and the next thing I know, the inventor of the item actually writes me back! The inventor! This company has been in business over 17 years with countless products shipped all over the world and when I have a problem, the machine's actual inventor writes me about how to fix it! Remarkable! Now that's customer service.
September 27, 2024
Tammy and Lois were best friends. They met in grade school and have remained besties ever since. Tammy is married to Fred, an alcoholic gambler who occasionally takes swipes at Tammy. Lois is married to Chuck, a small time hood who has spent half his marriage in jail.
-- Tam, how did we pick such losers?
-- God, Lois, don't you remember how desperate we were? We were both 30 and wanted kids so bad we settled for these two schmucks.
-- That was a mistake.
-- A big mistake.
-- Now look at us. We still don't have kids 'cause neither of us want half of them in our children.
-- Yeah.
-- I suppose it's probably too late to do anything about anything now, eh.
-- Is it?
-- Isn't it?
-- I'm going mad, Lois. I have to get out of here. He gets drunk and I can't take getting hit anymore. The only people who call are bill collectors and credit companies. I lie for him all the time. We never have any money and if we get any he gambles it away. I want to leave all this behind. I want to start anew somewhere else.
-- Let's do it.
-- I'm serious, Lois.
-- Me too. I'm ready to leave all this behind. Tam, we can just disappear together. This life is about you and me, not you, me and them.
-- Can we just walk away?
-- Chuck's in prison, I can do anything I want. Can you get away from Fred?
-- I have to.
-- Ok then.
September 28, 2024
He is a very famous actor up here on vacation. We literally ran into each other at a sporting goods store. He was looking for a slalom water ski and I was getting my ice skates sharpened. I told him he was milking the last of summer and he accused me of jumping the winter season. At some point we found that we had a couple of mutual friends in the business. He said he never expected to meet a professional screenwriter in this small town in the interior of British Columbia, while I suggested that the chance of running into one of the most famous actors in the world in my little burg were just as slim. We went to lunch at a nearby food truck. All in all I spent about 45 minutes with him. My takeaway? Never eat the slop at this food truck again! My god!
September 29, 2024
Her phone is possessed. The icons and apps on her 5 Home screens are constantly messed up, shifting, misplaced, missing, etc. So I spent the time to put everything where she wanted it and then I locked the Home screens so nothing can be moved. She opens the phone the next day and everything is scrambled again. In Settings, the Home page lock is undone. Is this not a clear cut case, definitive proof, of a ghost in the machine? Of course it is! I should write a letter.
