What's with self-driving cars? How bad a driver would you have to be to say, Nah, I'm good. I'll pass on being in control of two tons of fly by wire steel hurtling at 65 miles per hour in traffic. Jesus take the wheel. I need a nap.
August 2, 2024
A buddy took his side by side out on some logging trails and at a rest stop he lost the key to his machine. He searched high and low for hours but couldn't find it. He had no spare so he had to leave his UTV and hike 6 miles back to the road head. Once there he hitchhiked back into town, got to his house, opened the drawer where he kept the spare key and when he didn't find it, asked his wife if she knew where it was. She said as a surprise she had bought a magnetic key case, put the spare in it, and attached it to the roll bar on the side by side. In other words, the spare key was sitting on the machine. He had his wife drive him back to the trail head and he hiked the 6 miles back to his machine. When he got there he found that someone had stolen all 4 tires off his UTV. My buddy said he wasn't ashamed to admit that he sat down and cried.
August 3, 2024
Overheard a couple.
-- Why do you volunteer so much?
-- I believe in community service, Brad.
-- You should get a paying job instead of working at all those charities for free.
-- You're not going to make me feel bad about my volunteer work. I love what I'm doing.
-- A wife should not be gallivanting all over town for free.
-- Brad, I've been doing this for years. Why are you so suddenly concerned about my volunteer work?
-- We need you to stop working for nothing and get paid.
-- We?
-- I got fired, Melissa.
-- What?!
-- They let me go. That is why you need to get paid for your work.
-- That's not how community service works, Brad.
-- We have no income, Melissa!
-- If I have to get a job, I'll get a job, but not at the expense of my volunteer work. That feeds my soul.
-- Yeah, well, we need something that feeds our wallets.
-- Ok, fine. It's just...
-- It's just what?
-- I was hoping that we would have kids by now, Brad.
-- Kids! Kids! Jesus, Melissa, we're unemployed!
-- Yeah, ok, fine.
-- It's not fine, but ok.
August 5, 2024
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Weird, creepy, willfully ignorant, decrepitly old, mentally unfit rapist and 34 time convicted felon runs for prez
If he wasn't such a joke, why is everyone laughing so hard?
August 6, 2024
Technology has preserved all the infantile speeches, the shameless grifts, the condescension, the hubris, the stupidity, the gobblygook made up lies and bullshit that flowed like diarrhea from his crass mouth and needy fetid fucked up mind. Won't the future have a field day as they try to understand why America tolerated and encouraged this useless twat. Heck, we were all here and we still don't get it.
August 7, 2024
Hoary old lying dimwit says the stupidest shit imaginable (Drink bleach! Sharks have batteries! I'm a genius!) and is seen as credible. Now why is that?
August 8, 2024
A friend from the States called and said he wanted to Skype as he had something to show me. Skype? Do I still have that installed? I find it, open it and see that my last conversation was 7 years ago. The update button is glowing red, lava red. My friend rings me. He comes onscreen and I see that he has green hair. Is that paint? His 7 year old slides in front of the camera and shows me her green paint stained hands. Seems she convinced daddy to be the first customer at her brand new hair salon and he was going to get a free wash and blow dry. He, of course, thought she was playing make believe and that it was water she was "washing" his hair with. Pointing to his head, my friend says, This debacle never would have happened with childless cat ladies. Screw that phony baloney hillbilly jerk. Kids are a pain in the ass, right honey? Right, Daddy.
August 10, 2024
You can literally turn your life around at literally any point in your life. That's because where you've been and where you're going is, and has always been, entirely up to you. You make your choices and decisions - you don't need anyone's permission or advice and you don't need a mentor or guide to go from where you are to where you want to be. You can change if you want to change. Nothing is set in stone. Everything is malleable. Capish?
August 11, 2024
Overheard two women in town.
-- I hate dogs. They're filthy and they bite.
-- That's too bad. They are the best things ever in my life.
-- What's so good about a dog?
-- Unconditional love.
-- I don't even know what that is.
-- That's because you don't have a dog.
-- No, that's because I'm married to Larry, the cretin. He's filthy but he doesn't bite.
-- There's nothing better than opening the front door and being greeted by someone who is genuinely excited to see you and wants to spend time with you.
-- That happens to me every other week after work on Friday.
-- What does?
-- When I walk in the front door and Larry is excited to see me because that is when we have sex. So I know that look.
-- Yeah, well, all I'm saying is there are emotional attachments that make having a dog worthwhile.
-- They're still filthy and they bite. Look, if Larry ever bites me, I'll trade him in on a Golden Retriever, but until then...
August 12, 2024
The Paris Olympics are over. It was enjoyable but as I get older, a lot of sports that used to hold my interest just don't anymore. The human experience is vast but watching someone balance on a 4 inch piece of wood or break dance in a "battle" is just not anything I care about. It's contrived. Made up. Silly. Next is LA and then Brisbane. With the ridiculous costs for security and venue preparation, will the Olympics still be around after that?
August 13, 2024
He just made the last payment on his car. She finally made the last mortgage payment on her house. This other couple paid off all their credit cards AND student loans and are finally debt free. There are 6 billion adults in the world and these are the only 4 who have ever paid everything off. Scientists are baffled, economists are losing their minds. We rigged the system! This wasn't supposed to happen! Of course, their names have been changed to protect them from the rest of the beholden planet who are spiteful and petty and would love nothing more than to see these 4 go down because misery loves company and people are spiteful and petty.
August 14, 2024
Picture this: A stray cat or dog shows up at your house hungry and needing love. What do you do?
August 15, 2024
Went out for a walk and passed a man juggling chain saws in his front yard. The saws were not running but it still looked dangerous. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "Practicing." Practicing for what? "My daughter's wedding. Her fiancé is a logger and I thought I would impress him." Are you going to turn the saws on? "I'm kinda scared about that part. It probably won't impress him unless I do." I smiled and walked on wondering if he'll have all his limbs intact the next time I see him.
It's Saturday morning. All is calm. Perhaps it's an opportune time to contemplate your existence?
August 18, 2024
Overheard a young couple.
-- So I went over to Marlena's to see the new litter of kitties.
-- Yeah?
-- They were so adorable.
-- I'll bet.
-- They were little bundles of joy, each and every one.
-- Well sure.
-- They were climbing all over me and I couldn't get enough. Rubbing their little ears and bellies. I loved it.
-- Don't tell me...
-- They were all different colours with different stripes. I was in kitty heaven.
-- You didn't.
-- I did.
-- How many?
-- The whole lot.
-- Jesus Christ.
-- Yeah, but they're sooooo cute.
-- It's official. You're now a childless cat lady.
-- And happy as hell about it.
August 19, 2024
His wife was going to visit family for the next two weeks. She left him a long To Do list of things she would like accomplished in her absence. She has been gone 5 days and he has not done a single item on the list. But he already had 4 replies on his ad. His ad? It seems the husband never planned on doing any of the To Do list, but he did plan on having it done. He posted an ad with the actual list and then solicited offers to complete it within the week. He already had 4 replies. Interviews start tomorrow.
The first interview was with discredited plastic surgeon Dr. Marco Marcowitz. After his quasi-revolutionary Let's Operate In The Dark trials were abandoned when 34 people were left with zig zag stitches and uneven facial reconstructions, Dr. Marcowitz said that despite the botched surgeries (or maybe because of them) he had become overly fond of the dark, and hiding, and that he "understood" Batman now more than ever, and even though he was vastly overqualified as a To Do list doer, until the Medical Board decides to unsuspend his license, he needs a challenge - is it ok if he does the To Do list in the dark, backwards? Uh... Then he turned off his flashlight and disappeared. Doctors! Next!
The next guy would only do the interview by phone, on Skype, a redundancy not often seen. Now on the To Do list were some heavy items that needed to be moved from the attic to the garage. Could he handle that? Right off, phone guy started saying, "You're breaking up, I didn't get what you said," even though he was talking on Skype and all was fine. Could he paint the basement? He pulled the phone from his ear and shook it like something was wrong. Mow the yard? Each question elicited another excuse centering around his land line not working properly. After yet another, "There's too much static, I didn't get that," when asked if he could run a chainsaw it was determined that he was not the man for the job, or any job really. Eventually he admitted that he was retired and just liked answering ads. Next.
Finding someone to manage his simple To Do list was proving to be more difficult than he had imagined. As if to validate the point, the next interviewee would only conduct his outside, from the corner of his mother-in-law's balcony, as long as it wasn't raining or cold. When asked how old he was, outside guy said it was against the law to ask one's age or religion in an interview. "However, I'm Greek Orthodox and 84. Wanna make something of it?" The thought of fighting with a belligerent old man just to get the lawn mowed was a bridge to far. The To Do list guy said, Thanks, but no thanks gramps, and walked away. Upset that he had been dissed during such a short, crappy, illegal interview, outside guy spit on To Do list guy, glared down at him and said, "Wanna do something about it, punk? 'Cause I'll get my cane, come down there in 10 minutes and kick your ass."
To Do list guy groaned. His wife would be back home in days. Time was running out. There was just one more interview. This better work.
Why were only old people responding to his ad! Plus, she admitted right off the bat that she couldn't do a single item on his To Do list, but she bakes a mean pie and would that do? Pie! Pie! I need someone to mow the damn lawn! To Do list guy sat at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands. There was no more time to find anyone else. He was doomed. She slid a piece of peach pie under his nose. He took a bite. Lordy, it was the best peach pie he had ever eaten! His optimism grew. If nothing on the list got done, but he gave her a pie instead, would she be happy with that? Now he felt all righteous hiring the elderly. He told the old lady to get baking.
August 24, 2024
His wife arrived home from her trip and immediately saw the unmowed lawn and other To Do list items undone. When she entered the house and was presented with a pie in lieu of the chores, she gave him the following look. Incredulity? Doubt? Disappointment? A pie?
(This is not his actual wife, but it is the exact expression)
Moral of the story? Don't be daft, man. If you're given a list, don't come back with a handful of beans and a story about a magic stalk, or a pie. Definitely not a pie. Capish?
August 26, 2024
Been dealing with an east coast production for days now. I have to get up at 4:30AM to call them at 5 (8 their time) to discuss that day's work. It's starting to take its toll. Come the evening, I find I'm ready to go to bed at 8:30PM. 8:30! That's not normal, is it? I should have my agent insert nap times into my contracts. I am not a machine! Tee hee.
August 27, 2024
Look at that. Fox News cuts off the 3 time loser mid-rant because even they realize how sick he really is. Look at the feeble old fuck as he lies and slurs his way though his latest barrage of bullshit. He's incompetent, deranged, impaired, cognitively deficient, stupid, a pathological liar, a convicted felon, a convicted rapist!, and is the very definition of a useless, broken old twat. He offers nothing, surrounds himself with a barrage of subservient losers and for all intents and purposes appears to be in 3rd grade. Vote for that orange unfit dummy and you are saying that you too are as lame and useless as the lying prick with his revenge fantasies and dreams of being king. There are 350 million Americans; 350 million other people who could be President (yes, that includes children and babies because that is the level we're at with this pretender). Why would anybody in a right mind vote for that guy?
August 29, 2024
Woke up with a headache. Previous couple of days were stress filled. Am I already anticipating day 3 of that? Sorry, but I'm not on board with this. I'm pretty damn sure I signed up for a stress free life. Obviously, there has been some mistake. Who do I talk to about this? Hello?
August 30, 2024
One more day to go and this August will be in the past. Frankly, this month was a mess - the kind where you have a 30 day hangover and you haven't been drinking. But you know what? Just one more day to go.
