He had had the same e-mail address for 30 years. Every account he had ever logged into had used that e-mail for verification. But his particulars were breached in a company hacking and soon afterward, his e-mail, passwords and credit cards were used to gain access to new accounts all over the Web. After 30 years of "good" computing it was all falling apart. He tried to minimize the damage but it was too much to keep up with. The "bad" Web had burned him and he decided to quit it all. He dumped his computer and never went online again. Nowadays, it's hard to live in this world without a computer or an online presence, but he didn't stop there. For absolute peace of mind, he withdrew all his money from the bank and put it under his mattress. He says he sleeps well at night knowing hackers can't touch his money. Hmm, retro modern?
February 2, 2025
Her birthday present was a week long stay at a luxury resort in Mexico. The first night there she ate shellfish, had an allergic reaction and nearly died. After that, she just wanted to go home. Her boyfriend, who had prepaid for the holiday, wanted to stay. She flew home alone. Six days later, when he returned, they were no longer a couple. This is that rare instance when a birthday present is not a gift.
February 3, 2025
Overheard a couple in line at the bank.
-- I'm not inviting Larry and Estelle to Kacey's graduation party.
-- How come?
-- When Kace turned 16 and we had that big party, everyone came except Estelle and Larry.
-- Yeah, but Larry was in the hospital with meningitis.
-- I don't care. The least Estelle could have done was come for an hour or so.
-- Larry was in the hospital in Vancouver, 300 miles away. You couldn't have expected her to leave her nearly dying husband and travel 600 miles to attend Kacey's 16th birthday party.
-- Oh yes I could. So they are not to be invited to Kacey's graduation.
-- Sure, whatever, she's your sister.
-- I'm the oldest, she has to learn to respect my wishes.
-- Ok.
-- This will teach her.
-- No it won't.
-- She has to do what I say. I'm the oldest. That's how it's always been and how's it's always gonna be.
-- Ok, Lucy, but I just want you to remember that when Larry almost died, we didn't go down to Vancouver to visit him once.
-- So what are you saying?
-- We're just as guilty as Estelle for the same thing.
-- So?
February 4, 2025
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Ryan,
You are not so special.
Signed,
A critic
Dear Critic,
Oh yeah? There are currently 1.98 billion websites. And I am one of them. However, there are 8 billion people on the planet, which means 6 billion of them don't have websites. They are not the special ones. We are. I am. Bye Felicia.
February 5, 2025
Are pretty people annoying? I was asked this question during an interview and I couldn't figure out if she was saying I was pretty and would thus know if I'm annoying, or that I wasn't pretty and was I annoyed by the beauty of others? For instance, hers. What kind of question is that to ask? It went on like this, inane question after inane answer, for 15 minutes. In the end there wasn't a question she asked or an answer I gave that would make reading the interview worth anyone's time. Actually, I felt like I needed a shower afterwards.
February 6, 2025
I bought an indoor/outdoor thermometer. It had both Celsius and Fahrenheit scales. It went to -50C/-58F. It was perfect. I hung it up outside and later went to check it. Huh? None of the numbers matched up. 0 degrees F is -18C and 0 degrees C is 32F but this said something completely different. After looking at it for a while and not understanding why the scales were so off, it dawned on me that they printed the Celsius scale and labelled it F and labelled the Fahrenheit scale as C. Well thumbs up, boys, awesome quality control. I take it back to the store and they tell me to exchange it for another. They had 3 more like the one I bought. All were mislabelled and 2 of them had different store temperatures showing. Sure, all the great ancient societies used mercury and lots of it, but I went digital because we so modern. Are too.
February 7, 2025
Due to the stress, he finally fessed up. He told her things were way worse than she thought. Her stomach dropped. They owed a lot of money, he had unpayable gambling debts, they were going to lose their house, he may be indicted for criminal activity on behalf of his employer, and, oh yeah, their car was repossessed. Weirdly, a calm invaded her being. This was the out she had been looking for. She knew she had no intention of sticking around to find out how all this bad news ended. She was done with him and she was done with this awful life. She liked the idea of reincarnation and starting over. She started making plans to off the both of them. He, of course, had no idea what she was thinking.
February 8, 2025
He was a magician and his boyfriend was a hacker. They'd been through a rough patch in their relationship so one day, just for some peace and quiet, the magician made the hacker disappear. How'd you like the trick? he asked. But it had frightened his partner. He didn't like it. So the hacker made the magician's bank account disappear. Then asked, How'd you like my trick? The relationship's rough patch continued.
February 9, 2025
How do you lose a job in the movie business?
I got a phone call from a B list actor asking if I had any projects to pitch. He had a production company that had turned out a couple of dreary stinkers, so I quick pitched him a cute, funny, commercial idea that he nixed. Then he pitched me on another dreary movie that I wanted no part of. I countered with a spectacular character study that could transform him into a "serious" actor and change the trajectory of his career. This must have been a bridge too far, a river not to be crossed, because his ego rose up and he demanded that I do only what he tells me to do. Nothing else but that! Yeah? Sigh. Click.
February 10, 2025
I was asked by another writer if I preferred to write on contract or write on spec. I actually prefer spec because there is no one looking over my shoulder, no deadlines, no ideas that I'm not allowed to explore and I'm confident enough in my talent to believe I will sell it when I'm done. On the other hand, along with a contract's guaranteed money, you also get many people who will want you to change everything you've written to suit them, endure endless notes, unwanted interference and of course, a deadline. So I guess it boils down to a bird in the hand vs. two in the bush.
February 11, 2025
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
He stole cell phones off people in the street. But all phones have lock screens, so how does he get the pin numbers to open them? "I shine a black light and I can see their fingerprints all over the 4 numbers they use to unlock it. A few combos later and I'm in." Does he have any advice for someone wanting to make it harder for a thief? "Take your fingerprint smudges off the screen with plain old Scotch tape. It works. You won't get your phone back, but maybe a thief won't get your data."
February 13, 2025
Down at the lake this kid was talking to a turtle. He was speaking directly to it and wagging his finger like he was either warning it or admonishing it. I can't imagine what he was saying. My guess is, neither could the turtle.
February 15, 2025
A friend from Europe asked me what I thought about Trump and Musk. I told her Musk is the pus that comes out of a festering wound. Trump is the festering wound. She said she understood perfectly.
February 16, 2025
Overheard two women at the farmers market.
-- So why are we here?
-- It's Sunday funday, Molly.
-- Ah ha. Ooh, those cukes are to die for.
-- They're huge. Didn't know you were quite that adventurous.
-- Depends on how you use 'em.
-- Dirty girl.
-- Yeah, but your dirty girl.
-- You are that, my dear.
-- What say we just pick up some sexy looking veggies and go home and try 'em out.
-- That's why we're here, darlin'.
-- Sunday funday! I'm going with this cucumber. And I'm naming him Prince Harry.
-- What about Meghan?
-- She's out of the picture. It's just me and Harry, first date, getting to know each other better.
-- Well I'm going to try out that beautiful zucchini. It's fatter than your cuke-
-- But not as long.
-- Aren't we a couple of divas.
-- Are you going to name yours?
-- No, Molly, it's a vegetable, not a dog.
-- Do you realize that if I marry Harry I could be a princess.
-- No, Molly, you would just be a delusional horny girl marrying a cucumber. You want that on your resume?
-- I guess not.
-- Let's go. Pay the man. Sunday funday!
February 17, 2025
We are an eponymous publisher. This means we don't publish anybody else's work but mine, still, people keep sending in their hard copy manuscripts (I'm looking at you, Kevin from Minneapolis). We used to return them unread but at an average of $17 per return, we stopped that. Now you will get a thanks-but-no-thanks e-mail. And the unread manuscript is recycled. What's that? Why is everything unread? Lawyers are why. Their unpublished client's lawsuits claiming someone stole their ideas is why. Too messy for us. File this under self-preservation.
February 19, 2025
Didn't I just say that we don't publish other writers? So what do I get today but another solicitation. This is Boris from Vermont:
Bill and Tom were married to twins, Rusty and Ronnie. Bill and Tom were good buds until right wing politics made them enemies. Bill became a conservative nutjob after learning that his wife Rusty was actually an immigrant from Italy and not the California blond he thought he had married, but he was at least relieved to figure out her accent wasn't just "being from Bakersfield".
Ronnie, Tom's wife, was stunned to learn her identical twin sister was from Italy. So many questions!
Anyway, Tom started consoling Rusty about how bad and awful Bill was and together they went from crying on shoulders to French kissing to pregnant. For some reason (we'll figure this part out later) Ronnie, Tom's wife, was on board with this threesome/incest throuple thing so in the middle of the night they all fled to Mexico to escape Bill and his mindless right wing nutjob friends and also because Tom took high school Spanish and knew the word for bathroom. But Bill never even looked for her! "Now that them immigrants is outta my country, I don't care," Bill growled while swilling beer and snorting meth with his right wing nutjob friends. Someone asked, "Did you ever love Rusty at all, Bill?" He said he did, when he believed she was a Bakersfield beauty with a speech impediment. "Bill," continued the stranger, "didn't it ever dawn on you that Rusty and Ronnie don't have the same accent?" But it didn't. Nothing but them being foreigners was all he needed to shun his wife, her twin sister and her sister's husband, who wasn't a foreigner but he had both girls so he wasn't complaining. Anyway, Bill went on to many heinous crimes in the name of conservatism, brain dead politics and fascism. The 3 others lived happily ever after.
So, you wanna buy it?
February 21, 2025
Dear Keith,
I am an American who gets confused every time you mention a temperature in one of your posts. Is that Celsius or Fahrenheit, I have to ask myself. Can you just stick to one or the other? And if you pick that stupid metric favorite, Celsius, you had better put in the equivalent Fahrenheit number or I will get really mad. You don't want to see me mad. There are enough bad relations between the US and Canada as is, don't make it worse.
Signed,
Is that cold or is that hot?
Dear Confused,
I refuse to take responsibility for your temperature scale deficiencies. However, since I am not cruel, except when the occasion warrants it, I will supply the pic below. Both scales at a glance. Save it. Refer to it. You're welcome.
February 22, 2025
Get this, I am eating Boston cream pie for breakfast, even though I never liked Boston. I know! Big of me, eh. Such a magnanimous gesture. Is it hero like? Worthy of praise and emulation? Gosh, who can say really? But what I'm going to do is have another slice and continue patting myself on the back for my delicious culinary détente, and even though I don't like them, I'm going to thank Boston for being in the title because without it this dessert has another meaning entirely.
February 23, 2025
He was a magician with deft hands but the prospects of making a living as a magician were slim. So he became a bank teller where he could use his sleight of hand to intentionally short change his customers and pocket the difference. He would skim small amounts, usually no more than 5-10 dollars per incident. But it was a busy bank in the heart of downtown and he did as many as 110 transactions a day. If he ripped off half his customers, he walked away with an extra 2-400 dollars a day in his pocket. He did this for over 10 years. Never got caught. Retired. Posted and boasted of his exploits on social media. Got arrested and was charged by the bank for theft and fraud. Then the bank itself was sued by people who read about it in the media and decided they too had been ripped off by the teller. In the end, everybody lost. And to think it all boiled down to the fact that the dude was just too young to know that loose lips sink ships.
February 24, 2025
If you are a defender and adherent of a cretin, a clod, a lout, a stupid, vulgar, insensitive person, what does that say about you? By allegiance and association, your support for stupidity is a direct reflection on you. Hell, it's a big ass mirror showing you exactly who you are. So, does it take a clown to love a clown?
February 25, 2025
My wife got a new phone. It was tres spiffy, until I dropped it on the floor. Jeez. Scratches. Ooh, I think she's coming; mums the word. Anyway, as I did the data transfer and set up from her old phone to the new phone, I had a couple of questions, so I Googled the answers and I found everything I was looking for. It struck me how the Internet sure has a lot of baggage, but it can also contain somewhere within it that one single nugget you're seeking. How valuable is that? Discuss.
February 27, 2025
Went for a walk with a friend. Midway through he yawned and said he was tired, then said he was done walking. He asked me to go get the car and pick him up. What? Are you hurt? No, just tired. Can you walk? Yeah, I can walk. You were the one who wanted to go for a walk in the first place. Yeah, but I didn't know we'd go this far. We've gone like 2 blocks! Just so you know, after you stay and die of tiredness, I will let the vultures pick your bones clean before I come back to pick you up. Ok, but I want a plaque: Here lies Roland, left to die by his FORMER friend and walking partner, the callous and awful Keith, whom I now urge all my associates to hate and attack whenever possible for letting me die here by the side of the road. Something descriptive like that. Done. Ok, I'm off, it's been nice knowing ya. Hey, wait for me.
February 28, 2025
I was asked by a friend if I could suggest anything that might help her make decisions. She said she dithers. I suggested a tarot deck. It's basically you talking to yourself but it's also a clever way of having you listen to yourself as well.
