It's Canada Day. 34 years ago myself and about 25 other immigrants became Canadian citizens. The ceremony happened outside on a beautiful sunny afternoon in a city park. It was low key, sincere and a darned nice way to say, Welcome Home.
July 2, 2024
I bought a tire pressure gauge and then discovered I had an unused one in a toolbox, so I tried them both. Jeez, there was an 11 PSI difference between the two gauges - and both are manufactured by the same company. Now I don't know which one is correct. So I called the company about the discrepancy and they promised to send me a new gauge. It just arrived. I just used it. Huh, will you look at that, I now have 3 different gauges that read 3 different pressures on the same tire. How does this sort of thing happen? I suppose it could be shoddy manufacturing or pitiful quality control - or it might be the handiwork of that planned obsolescence wanker mentioned last month! Yes! And he's taken it one step further - it won't crap out soon, it just won't work from the get go! That ruddy bastard! Anyway, I still didn't know which was the correct PSI reading so, yes, I bought a 4th tire pressure gauge. Only I made sure it was from a different company and the fact that it cost twice as much as the previous 3 defective ones combined, gave me confidence in its reading. The tire was low. A lot of hoopla for something so small.
When there's nothing edgy about you and a concocted hairstyle is really all you have to show to the society you are rebelling against, is it enough?
Now boys, get off my lawn.
July 4, 2024
Overheard two guys discussing the weather.
-- It sure was a cool, wet June. I wonder what July will bring.
-- Who cares?
-- I do. I like to know the weather so I can dress appropriately.
-- If it's hot, wear shorts. Cold, put on a jacket.
-- There's more to it than that. It's scientific, Bill.
-- Look, you get up every day and there is weather. You don't have to worry about it or plan for it or anything. It's just there. Like air.
-- You have your beliefs and I have mine.
-- Frankie, I haven't even begun to tell you my beliefs about the weather.
-- What are you talking about?
-- We - you, me, the people in our local area - we all create the weather with our thoughts and attitude about the weather. That's why it's different everywhere.
-- What? That's nuts. How do we create the weather?
-- I just told you. It's a reflection of the ideas, attitudes and thoughts of those people living locally that create your local weather experience.
-- That's nuts.
-- Is it?
-- Yup, it is. I happen to put my trust in the meteorologists of this world.
-- They just report on the weather. I'm telling you how it's created.
-- Bosh!
-- Bosh?
-- Bosh.
July 5, 2024
He smiled briefly. A man known for his bad fortune just experienced an entire day where nothing unexpected happened to him or his loved ones. There was no drama and no calamity, no one was hurt, no one was harmed. It was like that scene in The Sound Of Music where Julie Andrews twirls around that mountain top singing her little heart out. But then the song ends and he would get depressed again. He would try to remember Julie in that field, leastways until he learned that a botched surgery had robbed her of her singing voice so she could no longer be his feel good memory and was instead, now a tragic figure, just like himself; companions in misery. When asked why he was so aggrieved, he simply guessed, "Bad juju?"
July 7, 2024
In the last week or so - a bear in the yard, two bears up in the field and now a bear by the hot tub. Actually, I had the cover open and was just about to go out when I saw the bear standing next to the tub eyeing the water. He's going to get in! Noooo. I've seen enough YouTube videos to know that once they find it, they don't forget it. Thankfully, my presence at the door was enough to shift his attention from the water to me. I guess the juice wasn't worth the squeeze because as he ambled away and into the bush, he said, I'll be back. This isn't over. Oh, great!
July 8, 2024
Why do politics attract the stupid, the disingenuous, the pea brained of the population? These imbeciles are everywhere in government. And everyone wonders how things got so fucked up. Sheesh.
July 10, 2024
Is it noble to have lied to save someone's feelings or is it noble to have lied to save your own butt? In other words, lying, is it better for you or for them?
July 11, 2024
Did Sandra's impulsive streak finally pay off? Usually she would do something spur of the moment and then later regret it, but was this time different? She had 5 dollars left to her name and in a screw it all moment bought a 5 dollar lottery ticket. It didn't win. But there was a second chance draw! She didn't win that either. Because she was now broke and hungry, she was outside a Subway begging for spare change when she met a man that would change her life. Office Brown arrested her for vagrancy and while in the hoosegow she was celled up with Janet, a pickpocket with magic fingers. Over the days, months and years of incarceration Sandra and Janet got all lovey dovey and made jailhouse plans. When they got out they got married and adopted a dozen waifs. But real life wasn't jail life and in no time at all they were divorced, called each other the biggest mistake of their lives, and sent all the kids back to the orphanage like they were returning a parka to L.L. Bean. Later, when Sandra found herself back at the same Subway begging for spare change, she had to laugh as she connected the dots all the way back to that 5 dollar non-winning lottery ticket. Ha ha ha. No she didn't, she started crying at finding herself in the exact same circumstances again, except now she was divorced, a certified bad mother and an ex-con. She didn't stop bawling until some kind-hearted grandma gave her half her foot long. So, scoring that sandwich, did Sandra's impulsive streak finally pay off? What?
July 12, 2024
Their age difference had never really been an issue until this morning. He was listening to The Four Tops when his girlfriend asked him who they were. He told her about Motown. She said she never heard of it. He was disappointed that something so meaningful to him was lost on her. It was a small thing, but in many ways, it was the beginning of the end. Their age difference had never really been an issue, until this morning.
July 13, 2024
At the psychiatrists office.
-- Am I crazy, Doc?
-- You could be, I haven't made my final determination.
-- What happens if I'm certifiably nuts?
-- Oh, not much. Unless someone wants to commit you, you'll just go on living your life, annoying those you love and alienating those you work with.
-- Heck, that's simple enough.
-- These are polarized, chaotic times. You'll fit right in. Except for your loved ones and those you work with, you'll hardly be noticed.
-- But I don't want any misunderstandings, Doc. How can I be sure people will know there's something wrong with me?
-- Vote for Trump. That says it all.
-- Hey, I want them to know I'm crazy, not stupid.
July 14, 2024
How does an 83 year old road rage? He was driving his 1976 Buick whose horn didn't work. So he had an obnoxious klaxon that he would stick out the window and blare at people and cars when he got impatient. If anybody gave him guff, he would throw jacks under their tires. Then he would give them the finger and race off, hoping they would be angry enough to follow, run over the jacks and flatten their tire. It was old school road rage, elevated to an art form, practiced by very few today.
July 15, 2024
Zena Clauson loved Yeats and Coleridge and convinced her husband's company to sponsor a poetry contest. She hoped that unrecognized poets would rise to the occasion and display unbeknownst gems never before seen by the public. With those high hopes she opened the contest to everyone and declared that the winner would be decided by social media. So it seems the same people who brought you Boaty McBoatface also judged the following to be the winning poem:
The Clauson Company can suck my dick
I've never dealt with bigger pricks
The end.
It made us look real bad, said a PR rep for the company.
We paid good money for quality, not this rubbish, said the company controller.
Her husband said nothing but everyone knew someone was going to get fired over this.
Zena decided that the Clauson Company defense would be to get the poem disqualified because it was written by a woman, so how could we possibly, you know... do that? Instead, the Internet made "a Clauson" synonymous with a blow job, and to this day Zena still wonders how something so good went so bad so fast.
July 16, 2024
I'm sitting outside on our porch at twilight watching a bat snare mosquitoes in mid air. The acrobatics are outstanding. But what's this? An owl has flown in and landed in a nearby fir tree. It too is watching the bat. The mammal seems unaware of the owl, but when the big bird launches itself toward the bat, the deft little flyer does a roll over and the owl misses. Nonplussed, the bat goes back to hunting mosquitoes; predator to prey back to predator again. In a heartbeat. What a planet!
July 17, 2024
Overheard a couple at the movies.
-- I'm so not gonna like this movie.
-- Why is that?
-- Because that actor I hate, what's his name, is in it.
-- We can see something else.
-- No, we already paid. We're in our seats.
-- Really, we could pick another movie.
-- No, we're here.
-- What's it about anyway?
-- Beats me.
-- Then why are we seeing this?
-- It's also stars that hot chick, what's her name.
-- You wanted to see this for some babe?
-- Sure, she's hot.
-- But you hate the guy. Don't they cancel out?
-- Trust me, I can enjoy her and hate him at the same time.
-- And you don't think that's weird or anything?
-- Nope.
July 18, 2024
His birthday was yesterday. Seems everyone forgot. He decided not to say anything. If friends and family couldn't be bothered to remember his birthday, then he would just file that grievance away, ready to pull it out and throw it down when some future argument is ripe for an "oh really?" disruption.
July 19, 2024
He was convinced suicide was evil and against god. She felt it was a wonderful gift and whether we used it or not didn't negate the fact that we could, so therefore it was a beautiful gift. Say, what's your take on suicide?
July 20, 2024
Roses are red
Violets are blue
American politics gives you two
Frick or Frack?
July 21, 2024
You know how you keep hoping something will change but it never does and at some point it's gone on long enough that you either go all in forever or you give up and admit that it's never going to happen? No? That's just me then?
July 22, 2024
Overheard at the vets.
-- He's so cute. What's his name?
-- Edgar.
-- Edgar? I've never heard of a dog named Edgar before.
-- I named him after my dead husband.
-- Oh.
July 23, 2024
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Lately I'm having nightmares. You're in them. What does it mean?
Signed,
Afraid to sleep
Dear Afraid,
How provocative! But I don't have a clue what it means. Have you tried figuring out why you're having nightmares in the first place? Has something triggered them? Perhaps something you read? Perhaps on KeithSpeak? Dreams are subjective, you are the only one who can say what they mean for you.
July 24, 2024
I had to print out a teleplay but there was a sheet of paper stuck in the printer. Pull pull, tug tug, ow! Damn! I've just sustained the paper cut of all paper cuts. Is this what they mean when they say one must suffer for their art? Discuss.
July 26, 2024
He walked in like he owned the place. Actually, he did. But with 10 squatters living in the house, it didn't feel like his anymore. They had already sold any of his possessions worth any money, destroyed the rest and turned the interior of the house into a shambles. They challenged his right to throw them out and it turned out the courts agreed with the trespassers. He had no choice but to walk away from a $490,000 investment. But before he did, he set fire to the place. Revenge justice or vindictive karma? Again, discuss.
July 27, 2024
Ah, the Paris Olympics started last night. What a different, creative, fabulous Opening Ceremonies - outdoors, on the water, entertaining and completely captivating. Then they capped off the proceedings with an iconic French moment - our own Celine Dion singing Edith Piaf on the Eiffel Tower below the blazing Olympic Rings. She gave a masterful performance and a mesmerizing finish to a great beginning. Well done, Paris! Now, as with all Olympics, I shall be busy watching them. Posting here will suffer for a couple of weeks. Later, my pretties.
July 28, 2024
Canada took a silver medal on the first day of competition! Stand back! Surely the other nations are clutching their worry beads. Heck, someone on the Latvian team was overheard saying, My god, they're dangerous AND good looking! It was such a brilliant Canadian start, I'm going to predict we get at least two medals before this whole shebang is over. I know, I know. Bold. Stay tuned.
July 30, 2024
Overheard a Turkish man at the grocery store.
-- Ah, the yoghurt section. Good. What is this? Greek?! It's ALL Greek yoghurt? Greece is a shithole! Why would I want their crappy yoghurt? Where is the Turkish section? Look at the size of this cooler. Where is...my god, it's ALL Greek yoghurt. This is a joke. What do they have against Turkey? Canadians!
July 31, 2024
Overheard the Turkish customer and the store manager.
-- Why do you have nothing but Greek yoghurt? Where is the Turkish yoghurt?
-- I've never heard of Turkish yoghurt.
-- Now you insult me?
-- What?
-- Greece is a shithole.
-- Well, that may be, I've never been-
-- I have. It's a shithole and so is their yoghurt.
-- Perhaps if you gave me the name of the yoghurt you want, I could see if our supplier can get it for you as a special order.
-- Could I get it today? I haven't had breakfast and I always have yoghurt.
-- No. If they could even get it at all, it would probably be a couple of weeks.
-- Weeks!
-- Yes.
-- So you are expecting me to eat that inferior Greek yogurt in the meantime?
-- We have a large selection of cereals in aisle 3 if that might interest you instead.
-- Turkish cereal? With grains? Whole grains?
-- Um, sir, we are a grocery chain, not a specialty grocery store where you might find Turkish products.
-- Ok, so where is that store? I will gladly shop there.
