I was being recruited. The headhunter said he had a fantastic job offer from a large company for the exact kinds of services I have to offer. Oh? And what might those services be? You know, he responded offhandedly. Don't you want to hear about the offer? As an amusement, I could say yes and then if the thing is as fabulous as he says, actually have to think seriously about doing it. Or I could say no, which is how I really feel because I am not looking for work, have no desire to be employed by a large company and value what I currently have way too much to even think about risking it - and for what? Money, prestige, power? Nah, I'm good. Don't you even want to hear about the offer? Nah, I'm good.
October 2, 2024
A business associate from Japan has been sending me e-mails in Japanese. I had been going through the arduous process of cutting and pasting the text into Google Translate to figure out what she was saying. Of course, all formatting was lost and the translation often left a lot to be desired. But just recently, I discovered that there is a direct translation feature in Google Lens. Take a Lens pic of the text or sign and it translates it directly into English, keeping all the original formatting. I told this to a friend who was getting ready to travel to Asia and she scoffed, "I hate Google." Oh, ok. Well, to mix a metaphor with an idiom, cutting your nose off to spite your face is no skin off my back. Bon Voyage, sweetie. Oh wait, you don't know what that means, do you.
October 3, 2024
He repeated a racist trope and waited for my response. There was none. There is no point in trying to convince a racist to be a non racist. That is the definition of futility.
Minutes after I posted that, I got an e-mail from Herr Doctkor Gregori Grushenheim from the Non Racist Institute in Belgrade. In part it read:
My Dear Misinformed Ryan,
Using our tried and true method one can change a racist into a non racist in a single session. It is child's play. Have you not heard of the Grushenheim Reversal? If you want someone to give something up, you need to provide them a replacement substitute. For instance, those who want to stop smoking will often chew gum instead. We here at the Non Racist Institute have found that racists love porn. So we just swapped their racism for porn. So simple a child could do it! Not the porn. Not child porn. I'm talking about the Reversal and not a child doing porn. Goodness. Anyway, we think porn's better than racism. Isn't it?
October 4, 2024
Overheard 3 girls in a department store.
-- These are cute.
-- They are! What size are they?
-- Small.
-- Go try them on. See if they'll fit.
-- Yeah, Trish, you'd look great in those.
-- Um, there's a problem.
-- What?
-- I'm going commando today. I shouldn't put these on without underwear.
-- You knew we were going shopping. Why didn't you wear panties?
-- I forgot.
-- Trish, no one forgets their underwear.
-- Ok, I was messing around at home and forget we were going out so when I heard the car horn honk I quick threw on my jeans and joined you guys.
-- Messing around at home?
-- You forgot our date because you were playing with yourself?
-- Shopping's a waste of time if you can't try anything on.
-- You guys can. Come on, don't make this all about me.
-- She's right. This is a fun day for the 3 of us.
-- You could just buy some panties.
-- Mackenzie!
-- Well she could. Then she could try on these great pants.
-- Yeah, and if the earth were flat, we'd fall off the edge.
His name was Sebastian Tremaine and his Tinder profile referenced his super classy sash, his perfectly stacked cannonballs and his really cool hat. Though he admitted he didn't want those round basket things in his profile pic but they were too heavy to move and if he shifted more to his right to get them out of the shot he would obscure his awesome cannonball stack, which he claimed was a chick magnet and not to be obscured. No one knew if Sebastian was a real soldier or just someone who liked to dress up and pose as one. Turns out Sebastian just loved to dress up. Tomorrow, he said he might be a fisherman or a postal worker. His profile finished with a question: Ladies, is this hat not the shits? If into role play, call Seb at 555-555-7044.
October 7, 2024
DOs and DON'Ts
Do eat as much ice cream, chocolate and pie as you can.
Don't stop until you've had enough.
Don't listen to the nutritionists, doctors and mothers about the hazards of eating too much chocolate, pie and ice cream.
Do make a giant fuss if they try and take any of it away.
Do make it known to all who interfere with your sweet pleasures that you will gut them like a defenseless cod should they try.
Don't be bullied about health concerns, rotting teeth, diabetes or sugar overdose.
Do laugh off potential risks as "years away" no matter how old you are.
Don't lament the weight gain.
Do wear the extra pounds as a badge of your conviction concerning chocolate, pie and ice cream sympathies.
Do call everyone jealous who gives you any kind of flack.
Don't listen to their bull about it being in your best interest.
Do make fun of their weaknesses and foibles so they don't try that again.
Do tell them they're petty, small and JEALOUS.
Don't be merciless, just forceful. They will learn. They will all learn.
October 9, 2024
Overheard two American tourists at a coffee shop.
-- I don't even want to go back if he wins.
-- We've done what we could, Kelly. We voted early. We scheduled our vacation so we don't have to be in the States during the election. We'll see what happens from afar and we won't get caught up in the ensuing hysteria, we're covered.
-- I'm serious, Daryl, I'm not living under that ignorant cretin Trump. He wins, we're moving.
-- What about our jobs and family? Where would we go?
-- Daryl, let me ask you this - doesn't Canada feels like the US used to? I mean in how calm and relaxed it is up here. It's comforting. The more time we spend in Canada the more I like it.
-- Me too. People aren't full of hate and fear here.
-- American politics are divisive, dysfunctional and dangerous and have destroyed America. How do you fix that?
-- Good question.
-- If Kamala wins, then Trump will be in jail and the historians can write about how America lost its mind for this needy, charlatan, idiot poseur. Our lives return to normal. But if she loses...
-- You want to move to Canada?
-- I want to move. I don't yet know where but we can use the rest of our vacation as a fact finding trip. If Kamala wins, we just go back home. If she doesn't we'll have a better idea of what we'll do.
-- You mean what we could do.
-- No, I mean what I said, Daryl. I am not living in the US if that lying 90 year old convicted felon is President. Dictator Donnie, the ignorant 3rd grade fat ass bully is not gonna set some fucked up agenda for my life based on his fucked up needy grandpa ways. No, I need to move.
-- Ok, Kelly. I'm with you. I don't know to where, but I'm with you.
October 10, 2024
She had loved remote working. She could be home with her 3 cats and for her (and them) there was nothing better. But the company called everyone back to the office and she just couldn't bear it. She told her boss she was quitting because she was not going to leave her cats alone again. She nearly fell out of her chair when he said she could bring them to the office.
Because management wasn't inflexible and adversarial, her boss gained a prized employee's dedication. For her part, she loved going to work with Clyde, Jonny and Carol B. and because she recognized how rare an accommodation this was, faithfully stayed with the company the rest of her working days.
I had the best summer job one year. I drove a team of draught horses on Mackinac Island, a place where cars are not allowed. Everything moved by horsepower - the freight, the tourists, the locals. The power of these horses is legendary. A couple of times during the summer a team would get out of control and run away with whatever they were attached to - be it a dray or a buggy full of tourists. If you were on the trail ahead, you would hear them coming and get out of the way as quickly as possible. Then watch as this menacing, full bore juggernaut of raw uncontrolled power would roar past with the hapless driver trying hard to regain control. Stopping a runaway was a thing to watch, but watching runaway draught horses was a thing to see.
October 12, 2024
Johnny was confused.
How was he to proceed?
What should he do next?
Why didn't life come with a handbook?
Will it always be this confusing?
What if he screws things up?
What if he ruins things?
How does he know if he's doing it right?
Why doesn't life come with a handbook or a DVD or something?
Poor Johnny. He'll either figure it out or he won't. Either way, he still lives a life.
October 13, 2024
Two dogs meet in the road. They touch noses, they smell each other's crotch, they smell each other's butt. When they are done exchanging personal information, they get acquainted. It's a dog eat dog world out there, everyone needs to be vetted first.
October 14, 2024
I have a religious friend who has sought counseling all his life from his local priest. This clergyman was essentially his shrink. But my friend told me that his religious confidant had been arrested for pedophilia and money laundering. So basically, my friend had been asking for good moral advice from a criminal with no moral compass. How can I trust the church now? You can't and shouldn't. You can only trust yourself. I told him to be his own guide and follow his instincts. You'll be just fine. He wasn't sure. We'll see what happens.
October 15, 2024
Is 'doughnut' not just the dressed up, classier version of 'donut'. Did we need a classier version? Is there royalty somewhere demanding a proper spelling of the commoner's 'donut'? And what about Dunkin' Donuts capitulating to the elite by abandoning the whole Donut name completely! Did they not want to offend royalty? Were they afraid of pissing off the working class people that made them a success if they tried to appease the upper class by calling it Dunkin' Doughnuts? No, they must have said, "Boys, we're caught smack in the middle of this doughnut/donut controversy. What say we just drop what we sell and our reason for being completely from our name? What if from now on we're just Dunkin'. I know, doesn't make much sense, it's kind of stupid and may even be just the coward's way out of these donut/doughnut wars, but it's all we got." Sure, I wasn't there, but that's probably how it went. Anyway, I'm kinda getting hungry for a, well, you know.
October 17, 2024
There is no guarantee that you will meet the love of your life. There is no guarantee that you will achieve anything of significance in your life. There is no guarantee of anything in this life. Oh wait, yes there is. You are guaranteed you. You are your greatest asset and your worst enemy. What you tell yourself about your life IS your life. You control you from your thoughts to your actions. You are your guarantee that this life can be anything you want it to be, or nothing at all.
October 18, 2024
A Sonnet In Name Only
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The check never arrived
It's long overdue
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Too many excuses for me to bear
My friends Tiny and Horst are on their way there
Roses are red
Violets are blue
They will collect, that's what they do
What do you mean you and yours moved
Listen bucko, Roses are red
So is blood
October 19, 2024
A flyer for a free pizza showed up in the mail. It was a 2 for 1 offer at the place I normally go to for pizza. I walk in the store, look at the menu board and see that they have clearly doubled the price of everything. So the 2 for 1 offer was basically you just buying 2 pizzas for full price. I called the manager on the price doubling. He looked kind of sheepish and said it was a corporate mandate. They keep the prices doubled during the promotional 2 for 1 campaign and when that's over, they follow it with another campaign about how they are lowering the prices on all their pizzas! Flimflammery it was. I asked him how many people recognize the sham? He said I was the first - and this is the third time they have run the 2 for 1. Most people are stupid, he acknowledged, that's why corporate does it. Then he went on to say that A&W tried to offer a Third Pounder to compete with McDonald's Quarter Pounder but it failed because people thought the Quarter Pounder was bigger. People are stupid, he repeated. And there you have it.
October 21, 2024
If you are worried that looking out for yourself will be seen or interpreted by others as selfish, shrug it off. Everything we do as individuals is subjective, and thus selfish. So what? If others take your ideas and actions as something they're not intended to be, so what? In other words, there is no need to defend NOT being selfish. Just shrug your shoulders to the accusation. And if you must say something, pshaw is a good word.
October 22, 2024
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I want you to be serious, no jokes, ok? Why did you start KeithSpeak in the first place and how have you kept it going for so long.
Signed,
Curious about your dedication
Dear Curious,
Back at the turn of the millennium, I had just finished a very long project (my novel had been published and was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize). But I was now between jobs. When not working on a project, normally I just wouldn't write. After the book, I created keithryan.com and decided to write content for it every day, something new for me. And lo and behold, I just kept doing it. I like it. It's fun. I'm really good at it. More importantly, I still have something to say. Do too! Oh, you doubters you - go back and read any past KeithSpeak from the last 25 years and it will be just as timely and relevant as today's post. Will tooooo.
October 23, 2024
He was a tough guy and certainly didn't want to be some poncy actor. But all the girls were in acting classes so that's where he went. Only problem was he was good at it. He had the ability to slip into a character like putting on a coat. The more he did it, the more people liked it. Oh, he got the girls all right, and he had a real future ahead of him as a thespian, but the hard part was reconciling himself to a life of makeup and wigs, costumes and critics. Of that he was not sure. Not his buddies. They pronounced him poncy right off.
October 24, 2024
I decided to eat something questionable. It was a vivid, disagreeable mistake. A price was paid. Technicolor side effects as well as emotional scarring took place; together, a likely precursor to PTSD. Was it advisable? No, not at all. A costly and foolish undertaking? A folly? You bet. So, was this merely an example of questionable behavior that humans are known for, or just a very specific, dumb thing to do? Regardless, I now own that experience. Another scar, yes, but I'm living my life. You?
October 25, 2024
Overheard two boys sitting on a bench in the mall.
-- I need to get rich so I can buy me a PlayStation.
-- That would be so cool. But where do you get the money?
-- I been watching all the people and you know what I seen?
-- No.
-- There are a ton of old ladies with purses.
-- So?
-- So I also been looking and I ain't seen one security guard in the whole mall.
-- You wanna steal an old lady's purse?
-- Two of 'em. I get one and you get one.
-- I'm not stealing a purse!
-- Yes you are. This is how we get a PlayStation.
-- What if we get caught?
-- I just told you there is no security. Who's gonna catch us? You don't think you can outrun some old lady?
-- How much money do we need?
-- I dunno. Like $800 bucks.
-- We ain't gonna get that kind of money in some old lady's purse! We'd have to rob like 15 people.
-- Ok, I got a better idea.
-- Yeah?
-- I been watching all these people at that Best Buy store over there and I don't see no security in there either. We could just grab a PS5 box and run out.
-- Where we gonna run to, Willie? My Mom doesn't pick us up for like 20 more minutes.
-- We should get masks. They probably got cameras in that store.
-- Masks! My Mom is gonna ask us where we got the money to buy the PlayStation as soon as we get in the car.
-- Ok, so first we'll swipe a bag from Nordstroms and put the console in it and then you tell your Mom it's her birthday present so she doesn't get to look at what's in the bag.
-- Willie, I don't wanna steal nothing and I don't wanna lie to my Mom.
-- I need to know, Petey, you with me? We gonna do this?
-- Uh...
October 26, 2024
Knock knock. Whoa, cop at my door. Quick mental review - did I do anything wrong or illegal lately. Another knock. I open the- Whoa, Jesus, this police officer was unbelievably good looking! It was impossible not to stare. I felt like a 13 year old girl at a Taylor Swift concert. He was asking me questions regarding a theft at our neighbour's farm and had I seen or heard anything. Holy god, this guy was 6'3", chiseled, handsome and smooth. It was shocking, you know. People who look like that should not be in public sector jobs. It was frightening how handsome he was. Shocking and frightening, apropos for Halloween perhaps, but the rest of the time people must be stunned stupid by his visage. Poor guy. Wait a minute...
October 28, 2024
So you think you're so smart that you know what to do
But the truth of the matter is you aren't and don't
You're rigid and intransigent
But that's just you.
I don't know about karma
But I know that we live many lives
But you see this as a one-off
And when it's over
Baby it's over.
Wrong would be one way to put it unkindly, nah-uh might be better
But even that doesn't matter. You will eventually figure it out
Because everyone does
At some point. That is the point.
You think you're so smart that you know what to do
It's the slight curve that gives this trail its pleasure. If the path was straight it would merely look like a utilitarian way to get somewhere, ho hum, look, you can see straight down the road to the end, la-di-da. But the curve, the curve implies that something, anything might be waiting around the bend. A badger! An escaped circus bear! See, the curve makes the trail exciting and a wonder. Does too.
October 30, 2024
Watched an old movie where everybody in it chain smoked. As soon as they finished one, they would light another. The rooms were filled with cigarette smoke and yellow teeth. They must have thought a cancer stick made them look cool, but one glimpse of the gross, yellowish-brown, permanently discolored wallpaper and it was hard to believe we ever tolerated this nasty habit indoors.
October 31, 2024
Welp, it's less than a week until America votes for either a well educated, totally competent, completely worthy, very smart woman of color or an 80 year old pasty faced lying gasbag so full of shit he can't talk without tripping over his ignorance. If they vote in the vile, foul smelling, twice impeached loser, the 34 time convicted felon, they get what they deserve. America, wake up.
